#1
Astray in deserts
where horizons surround.
How long can she last?
Trails in sand
that binds her past;
Stained in blood,
ignored,
washed away in the flood
on her cheeks.
Lost,
forgotten here for weeks.

Vulture shadow oversees
Spare this child
wont you please, please?

Dust storm whippes her skin.
Sun shuts her eyes.
Light shows and screams.
Lose her mind to heat.
hyperthermia causing
horrid daytime dreams
made from fresh memories.

Vulture shadow oversees
Spare this child
won't you please, please?

Vulture shadow can't you see?
All these people,
should be free.

///

It's a metaphorical song about the innocent victims who happen to live in the Gaza strip.

I really appreciate all critique I can get.
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Last edited by oakn at Oct 6, 2011,
#2
Astray in deserts
where horizons surrounds.
How long can she last?
Trails in sand
that binds her past;
Covered in blood,
ignored,
washed away in the flood
on her cheeks.
Lost,
forgotten here for weeks.

I really enjoy how punctuated this reads, although horizons right next to surrounds seems like one too many s's. It's just the flow I'm thinking of, not really anything huge. maybe just using surround would sound better. It's really a beautiful verse though. Cheeks and weeks is really nice.


Vulture shadows oversees
Spare this child
wont you please, please?

once again, i get hung up on the s's maybe it's intentional. either way, it kind of stunts the flow just slightly.
I really dig the desperation.


Dust storm whippes her skin.
Sun shuts her eyes.
Light shows and screams.
Lose her mind to heat.
hyperthermia causing
horrid daytime dreams
made from fresh memories.

This one is really full of amazing imagery. I have a very clear image in my head and it really captures a very intense feeling. I like it.

Vulture shadows oversees
Spare this child
won't you please, please?

Vulture shadows oversees
Spare this child!
Won't. You. Please.
Drop. Your. Guns.

The ending is nice, how the repetition is broken. adding more meaning to the very last line, emphasis on it even. The punctuation adds a very nice touch.


I really liked this piece and I can almost smell the sterile desert, and feel the dust hit my face. Amazing really, good job.
#3
About all the s's that disrupts the flow, I'm aware of those and I've thought about leaveing 'em out. Thing is, they work quite well in the melody of the song... but if I were to take 'em out it still would fit so I don't really know what to go for. When you just read the lyrics the s's most definitely gets in the way of the flow though.

(now that I think about it, I'll probably leave 'em out)

Thanks!
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#5
At first I thought you were talking about Iraq/Afghanistan, since Palestine isn't really in desert terrain

Anyway,

Quote by oakn
Astray in deserts
where horizons surrounds. Lovely first couple of lines, immediately sets the mood.
How long can she last?
Trails in sand
that binds her past;
Covered in blood, I liked the entire stanza except for this line, the phrase 'covered in blood' really doesn't do much for me.
ignored,
washed away in the flood
on her cheeks.
Lost,
forgotten here for weeks.

Vulture shadows oversees
Spare this child
wont you please, please?

Dust storm whippes her skin.
Sun shuts her eyes.
Light shows and screams.
Lose her mind to heat.
hyperthermia causing
horrid daytime dreams Nice alliteration here.
made from fresh memories.

Vulture shadows oversees
Spare this child
won't you please, please?

Vulture shadows oversees As for the S's here, I also will agree that one is more than good enough.
Spare this child!
Won't. You. Please.
Drop. Your. Guns. The last two lines seem more like demanding something instead of asking, which isn't fitting in with the rest of the piece. I think just the change of punctuation would help, unless you want it to seem demanding/threatening. Then I'd suggest going back a little and either changing some punctuation to sort of build it up, or add a stanza before it and do the same. It doesn't make sense to me why you'd suddenly change the tone.


As a whole I'd say it's pretty well written, it's saying a lot without really saying much. I'm confused about the title though (if it means what I think it means), since I'm not entirely sure who it's referring to in the poem.

Hope this was helpful.

#6
I haven't decided yet if I'm goin' with that title; Bara'ah is an arabic girl name which means 'innocence', if I'm wrong here I'd gladly see someone correct me.

I see how the line 'covered in blood' can look a bit misplaced as you read it because it's separated from it's whole sentence which is "Trails in sand that binds her past; coverd in blood". So it isn't her thats covered in blood, it's her past, iow the bloody conflicts in the Gaza strip. (damn I'm havin' a hard time explaining stuff in english)

As for the last two lines, yes they are demanding. I wanted the last words to be unsuspected and to refer to what the lyrics was really about. But also, those are the lines which I'm most unsore of.

And yes, your crits are helpful. Maybe I wont change anyting, but I think that crits like this is what makes a writer better further on.

Thanks!
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#7
oh no you're right, I just read it in a different way so I got confused.

As for that phrase, it's not that it seems misplaced. I understood the intention of it when I read it, I just think it's a cliche phrase really.

Well yeah if that was intended then I guess it's fine, it just seemed out of the blue that's all. EDIT: Also I forgot to add, that it was just my opinion about the end. Krispy_chicken seemed to enjoy it, so I guess it comes down to taste.

Cheers & No worries
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Oct 5, 2011,
#8
Thanks Krispy_chicken and ali.guitarkid7!

I've made som changes with your crits in mind.
First of the s's (a minor thing but it f****d up the flow nonetheless).
The "covered in blood" line, as stated, is a bit overused, so i changed it to "Stained in blood", not the most innovative (or original either) line ever written but it's still better.
And the biggest change is the last chorus, from the demanding lines:
"Vulture shadows oversees
Spare this child!
Won't. You. Please.
Drop. Your. Guns."
to
"Vulture shadow can't you see?
All these people,
should be free."
Which I think fits the song more actually. Sure the previous one had some attitude to it, but the song ain't about my attitude after all.

No BIG changes but I think it is much better as a whole now. So thanks again!
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#9
No problem man.

I think "stained" is much better than "covered". Still a tad cliche though, but definitely better.
Also, the ending does definitely fit the piece. I love what you said here:

Sure the previous one had some attitude to it, but the song ain't about my attitude after all.


It's true that when writing about war/poverty etc. you don't need to show your feelings towards the subject (unless that IS the subject), just the people involved.



Also, would you mind saying a few words on my newest piece "Evanescent bliss of a deliriant soul"? I would appreciate that.