#1
I was sitting in the park under the old oak tree under which I always sit on sunny days like today. The grass was growing on my wrists. I wondered what time it was. Just then, a walnut toppled down the bough and landed on my head. I was lucky to be wearing my Mets cap—otherwise I could have been killed. I lay prostrate as to maximize the proportion of my body's surface area exposed to gravity, for I had suddenly realized I wanted to be pummeled with walnuts. I owed the tree the privilege—after all, I used his shade almost every day in the summer. Besides, I had already finished my book—what else was there to do besides receive nuts?

Well, I waited all afternoon and no more nuts came. I left the park and went up to my apartment. I called my mother, sobbing. "Is this some kind of joke?" she said. I hung up. It was no use talking to her when she was in a mood like that.

I managed to cook some oatmeal through my tears. The oats reminded me of walnuts. I hated them and I loved them. I turned on the TV to distract myself. Rick Perry was talking about Groundhog Day. When he was a kid, he said, Groundhog Day meant something. Kids would wake up early to find out if the groundhog had seen his shadow. Now the kids don't care. Six more weeks of winter? It doesn't matter to them. They don't play outside anymore anyway. They have their smart phones.

I had heard just about enough from Rick Perry. I was about to change the channel when the program broke for a commercial—a commercial for Planters nuts. Why did God hate me? I fearfully imagined the offending walnut wearing a monocle. In a flash I relived the moment of impact—except this time I was wearing a top hat.

I rushed down the stairwell carrying my camera. It was ten o'clock now—funny how time flies—so I turned on the flash. I zigzagged frantically around with no aim in mind, snapping photos of every tree I could. Indeed most of them turned out to be horribly blurry—I didn't care.

I woke up the next morning with a throbbing pain in my forehead. It was ten o'clock. Go figure. I looked around. I was scared. This place looked like the park I walked to every day, but all the colors were distorted. I talked to an old Negro lying on an iron bench. We discussed sports for a few minutes, and then I asked him how I might get home. He laughed. If he had been anyone else, I would have killed him for laughing. But he had such a warm, grunching grunt that I couldn't help but laugh along with him.

"Hey, you alright," he chuckled. "I don't have a portal, but I'll see that you get home." I winced and sweated one drop with relief. "Wait till October. Then talk to the Fire Goblin." I was confused, but his eyes told me that if I listened to him I would be home in no time flat.

I went to the library—it was in the same place as the library at home, except it was on top of a steep hill—I had to rent some mountain climbing equipment—and I hit the books. I learned about this new world—the world of purple and bronze and violet and gold. I learned about the Fire Goblins that watched over it. (In the old world, there were no protectors. Anybody could make fire at any time and use it for anything they wanted—it's really terrifying if you think about it.) I learned about the comb people. I learned about the Fourth Meal, and about the scandal in the thirteenth century, when the Duke of the comb people allowed the Fourth Meal to pass into the old world (he was banished, thank heavens). By the time I was satisfied with my scholarship, it was October 23 and I breathed a sigh of relief followed abruptly by a gasp of relief—I hoped it wasn't too late.

I took the elevator down to the Fire Goblins. I bowed down to the Master Goblin and stated my object. He mulled it over for a minute. Some other goblins whispered, and the Master Goblin shushed them. Finally, after I-don't-know-how-much-time passed, he asked if I really wanted to go home. I was shocked and embarrassed to realize this was the first time I had considered the question. But I immediately answered the affirmative. "All right," he shrugged. He pulled the lever before I had time to brace myself. I swirled in an ocean of majestic hues. It reminded me of vomit, but in a good way. I landed on my feet and my legs broke. I called my mother.

"Hello?"

"I'm cured."
#2
I didn't read that. I'm just amused by your username.
Quote by UntilISleep
You have excellent taste in literature, dear sir

Quote by Primus2112
You have excellent taste in video games, good sir.

Quote by GbAdimDb5m7
You have terrible taste in signatures, idiotic sir.

kkoo
#6
I don't understand what the shit I just read.
dirtbag ballet by the bins down the alley
as i walk through the chalet of the shadow of death
everything that you've come to expect


#7
....acid trips hard, eh dude?
Quote by Pan-Tallica
Quote by jrcsgtpeppers
But theres no reason why i cant be free like a raspberry stuck to the back of a horny elephants ass.

This is maybe the worst comparison in the history of comparisons.
#8
What.


The.


FUCK
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LET'S GO BUCKS
#10
Fuck yeah, go stories!
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#11
Seriously?

Tl;dr

By the looks of it you just got high for the first time and you can't quite handle it.
On further reading it reminds me of 'The Soddit'
#13
Cool story, bro.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Your post was the only bright spot in this disgusting piece of thread.

Quote by lexanirider78
You have balls. I like balls....(awkward silence)

Quote by SeveralSpecies
I waited for the rape.

...


...but the rape never came
#14
Quote by ethan_hanus
Reminds me of Adam Douglas.

Dammit now I have to read it
Quote by UntilISleep
You have excellent taste in literature, dear sir

Quote by Primus2112
You have excellent taste in video games, good sir.

Quote by GbAdimDb5m7
You have terrible taste in signatures, idiotic sir.

kkoo
#18
After actually reading it, this is a work of unparalleled genius.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#19
Not bad.
also, Mets fan!
also, "I talked to an old Negro lying on an iron bench." It takes a special type of person to formulate this kind of sentence
FORZA CATANIA
#21
Your username: wat


Also, is this a metaphor about homophobia or something?
I think it's time for a change.



Sig v5.0 (approximate)
#22
Quote by ethan_hanus
That made me laugh pretty hard.

Very Douglas Adams-y



It reminded me more of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency more than the Hitchhiker's Guide series


Quote by Jawlytomtom
This is well written. Who is Adam Douglas? Did anybody enjoy "Finnegan's Wake"?

Go and read the books I mentioned in this post. NOW.
Quote by UntilISleep
You have excellent taste in literature, dear sir

Quote by Primus2112
You have excellent taste in video games, good sir.

Quote by GbAdimDb5m7
You have terrible taste in signatures, idiotic sir.

kkoo
Last edited by izbbass at Oct 3, 2011,
#23
Who the hell is adam douglas? Do you mean Douglas Adams..?

It mostly reminds me of when I took acid and went to see Dream Theatre, except it was more of a WWII epic, compared to this bittersweet homecoming.

Whatever the hell it is, it's well written.

Thanks for my daily dose of WTF.
#25
Quote by Wolffgang
Who the hell is adam douglas? Do you mean Douglas Adams..?

It mostly reminds me of when I took acid and went to see Dream Theatre, except it was more of a WWII epic, compared to this bittersweet homecoming.

Whatever the hell it is, it's well written.

Thanks for my daily dose of WTF.

Oh shit. Yes that's what I mean
Quote by UntilISleep
You have excellent taste in literature, dear sir

Quote by Primus2112
You have excellent taste in video games, good sir.

Quote by GbAdimDb5m7
You have terrible taste in signatures, idiotic sir.

kkoo
#26
Quote by izbbass
Very Adam Douglas-y



It reminded me more of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency more than the Hitchhiker's Guide series


Go and read the books I mentioned in this post. NOW.


Ok, I shall. Did you enjoy "Finnegan's Wake" though? Is there any way you can explain how or why you enjoyed it? I'm usually a fan of experimental music and art of whatever but I didn't feel that book at all. I have a feeling this guy is gunna get wrongfully banned in a while.