#1
The reason I'm so
clammed up
is because I can't spend all hour
reciting poems about your
pig car,
pig phone,
pig shoes
pig scheme,
pig soul and yada yada yada
My account
of surreal days gives
the impression
of a run-of-the-mill
brisk carcass but
I assure you, I'm
extraordinary in only the
worst
ways imaginable.

Yes sir, this carcass
is down for good.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Oct 11, 2011,
#2
i think this piece would be much better off without the last two lines. they seem, to me, disjointed and unnecissary. otherwise great work. i liked it
#3
Thanks, and yeah I wasn't entirely sure about that line. I'm keeping it for now since I'm thinking of adding more to this.
#5
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
The reason I'm so
clammed up
is because I can't spend all hour
reciting poems about your
pig car,
pig phone,
pig shoes
pig scheme,Mybe instead you could use "schemes"...instead of scheme...

pig soul and yada yada yada
My account of surreal
days gives the
impression
of a run-of-the-mill
brisk carcass but the word "brisk" feels a bit odd here...i like the line but it sounds funny when i read it....idk...it sort of is abrupt in reading..

I assure you, I'm
extraordinary in only the
worst
ways imaginable. Maybe switch these words around?...idk i just read them and felt..."hey those could be switched around..."...no idea why i thought that though...

Yes sir, this carcass
is down for good.
I read the work before i look at the comments...but i agree with that these fall flat...and add nothing to the peice...it looks like an abrupt ending to an unfinished work...



on an overall note....I like this..,.I think that it could be maybe sort of cleaned up flow wise...(i dont like the way you have pressed the enter key in the middle of a line...it sort of makes it hard to find the meter and flow...and where to stress...just my opinion though)

I like what you write...but this seems unfinished...

I haz gotten gud
#7
I have problems with this kind of poems... they're often intresting, but I find it frustrating that I don't know what they're all about. They're like a big teaser to me. Don't get me wrong, I like the poem, it's just me who wants to know the writers full meaning to fully appreciate it. I just don't really care for my own interpretation.

Despite my personal taste I think it's quite good. The only thing I have to point out is that it has some minor problems with the flow. The line "days gives the" for example really doesn't go with flow for me. I think some rephrasing will do the trick.
Like:
My account
of surreal days gives
the impression


Again, as a whole i think it's good (and probably much better when it's finished).
Empty tankard! Empty Tankard!
Last edited by oakn at Oct 7, 2011,
#8
Wow I'm sorry I never noticed that there was a crit here. Well I didn't really mean for the poem to be that vague, I thought it spoke for itself really. Anyway, it's mostly about becoming so cynical that you find it hard to enjoy your time/have a conversation with others.

I changed those lines.

Oh and by the way I decided I'm not going to work on this one anymore, I might in the future but for now I'm leaving it as is.

Thanks man.