#1
Yeah, I know it's not my best but I haven't posted in a while and this is the latest piece I could find, and I think I wrote it OTS at the time, so I let it be. And I think I wrote it stoned... I don't remember. Praise and/or tear it apart at will.

C4C, as always.


The huskiness in your voice
betrayed only sinners in the end.
I'd been pounding down scotch
before you walked in.

You're wasted and
you're ****ing high again.

It happened in the basement,
betrayed only by sinners in the end.
I'd been praying for youth
as you walked in.

Let's just leave, and
do you want to have me again?

(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.

(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.

(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.

Looking at pictures of pictures of
the dirty pictures in your wallet,
you felt so turned on; I felt like a pariah,
and every word you lent was wasted on me.
#2
1st time I read it: meh
2nd time: well okey
3rd time: quite good actually!

The huskiness in your voice
betrayed only sinners in the end.
I'd been pounding down scotch
before you walked in.

You're wasted and
you're ****ing high again.
I'd leave the second "you're" out

It happened in the basement,
betrayed only by sinners in the end.
I'd been praying for youth
as you walked in.

Let's just leave, and
do you want to have me again?

This could be rephrased for the better.
...or maybe left out?


(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect, at that age.
They were so perfect, at that age.
They were so perfect, at that age.
A short pause after "perfect" is good for the flow i think

(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.

(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.

Looking at pictures of pictures of
the dirty pictures in your wallet,

These two lines are really good!
you felt so turned on; I felt like a pariah,
and every word you lent was wasted on me.
Empty tankard! Empty Tankard!
#3
The huskiness in your voice
betrayed only sinners in the end.
I'd been pounding down scotch
before you walked in.

like the word 'huskiness' its very heavy, strange foriegn voice, rough. reminds me of someone been smoking cigs for years
and coughing up the tar. heavy intoxicated is the theme in the intro. the atmosphere and climate harsh when describing the mood
of the stanza.


You're wasted and
you're ****ing high again.
pretty vague describition. kinda weak and cynical. but theres trouble brewing though from my understanding.

It happened in the basement,
betrayed only by sinners in the end.
I'd been praying for youth
as you walked in.

Basement reminding me of an old dugeon in a mideval castle. lots of emotions pouring out from the previous stanzas which leads
to this part. praying for youth reminds me of innocence back in the day. kinda like the song 'rotten apple' by alice in chains.


Let's just leave, and
do you want to have me again?

Again this part could fit in a song. sounds vague to me and sounds forcefull.

(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.

(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.

(It happened in the basement.)
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.
They were so perfect at that age.

the three stanzas of repeativiness doesn't fill me or intigue me. Just a lost ship of course sometime in time. maybe it fits though in the writing. don't like it though.

Looking at pictures of pictures of
the dirty pictures in your wallet,
you felt so turned on; I felt like a pariah,
and every word you lent was wasted on me.

some relief at the end stanza. i kind of have an idea about the ending. pictures from the past thus lead to extinction amoungst
each other. its kind of like the narrator is talking to a ghost in recent memory in the basement. an element of travsity i understand.


overall its not one of your best but i believe its good when put into music. mold the lyrics and song together an create a song.
theres structure though from beginning to end which i understand the concept.