#1
I step out
Onto the terrace
And observe a single heron
Flying low over the sky reflection
To the other side

I close my eyes
And think of my mother's father
As a fire spreads
Across the lids of my perceptors
The sounds, fall, all around me

I watch the trees discard
The bullion and bronze
While my cigarette reminds
Me of my imperfection
And I laugh

Enlightened by the state of autumn
I return to my notebook
Where words become emotion
And I can seek serenity
In comfort
#3
Quote by djgoesnomnom
I find the meaning behind this to be somewhat unclear =/

Is about painful memories or memories of loss?
Regardless of what it's about, the imagery is amazing.



its actually about a peacefull self-reflection as i observed the beauty of the world around me. the fire behind my perceptors is refering to the bright red color of the sun shining through my eyelids... and yes there is a bit of pain and loss because that is something very prevalent in my life at the moment. i may do some edits when i get some time
#6
Quote by Dillon_Kennedy
I step out
Onto the terrace
And observe a single heron
Flying low over the sky reflection
To the other side
For me, as a reader, it feels like you paint a picture for me.
Not in the usual "giving imagery to my mind"-way but
like you actually where beside me painting a picture in real-time.
In a really good way! It's the last line that does it.


I close my eyes
And think of my mother's father
As a fire spreads
Across the lids of my perceptors
The sounds, fall, all around me
Since I love poems that have really good flow...
the last line here's just awsome


I watch the trees discard
The bullion and bronze
While my cigarette reminds
Me of my imperfection
And I laugh
Nice connection between the dying nature and your own imperfection

Enlightened by the state of autumn
I return to my notebook
Where words become emotion
And I can seek serenity
In comfort
Again, really nice flow.

Gives good imagery, and in some way it tells me that you're carrying somekind of burden. Like the melancholy of the fall.

Can you make it better? I don't know, this is the only (small changes) that I could think of:
Quote by Dillon_Kennedy
Step out
Onto the terrace
And observe a single heron
Flying low over the sky reflection
To the other side

Closed eyes
thinking of a mother's father
As a fire spreads
Across the lids of perceptors
The sounds, fall, all around

Watch the trees discard
The bullion and bronze
While the cigarette reminds
of imperfection and
the self awareness laughs

Enlightened by the state of autumn
Return to the notebook
Where words become emotion
And seek serenity
In comfort

The discard of "I" forces the reader to take your place, that way the reader might get closer to the feelings you have about this poem. And even though there's no "I" , there's no way to misinterpret it as it is not about you (the writer). Like the thing Henry Rollins talks about in one of his stand-up shows "Get your dick out of the way", there's no need to show that it is about you, we know that by reading it. Note, this is NOT bad feedback, just a tip.

To sum it up: It is good! but I think it can get even better with some minor changes.
Empty tankard! Empty Tankard!
#7
i thought all day on your advice oakn. and decided that if i change the perspective now it loses some of the flow. i also feel that it would lose some honesty. but i will keep what you and herny rollins said in mind when i sit down to write the next one.


thank you all for reading!