#1
I'm not really sure whether this is rubbish or not.
________
The world's fixed still
at 5am;
In bide of its
patriarchs for more scut-
work.
Suburban street lamps
the only indication
of breathing.
I sat drunk on the
ledge of a terrace,
unsure of what great
and troubling
matters required my
presence on fort walls.
A little grin
seems to paint itself
on me (I picture Death
down there, tipping
his hat; anxious).
In a bout of idiocracy
the bottle torpedos
its way to Death, he said
"Well, you've ****ed up
your one chance of
slight satisfaction for the
week, ride along and we'll
find it". A luring offer,
I had more inside though.
#2
A little grin seemed to paint it self on me when I read this. I like these everyday thoughts with an atmospheric poetic feel. They don't say anything deep or really meaningful (maybe to you, but not the reader), but they're very enjoyable to read. I think that this style of writing would fit perfect in a novel (please try to write one!).

I've actually written a poem about these kind of poems.
Empty tankard! Empty Tankard!
#3
I like it...then again i like most things i read by you....

Hm....I don't get why you press the darn enter key so much....

why???
I haz gotten gud
#4
Thanks oakn! Well to me it definitely does, something along the lines of "You've made it another day". I will definitely try and write one, I need a lot more practice at writing though. I'd love it if I get to see that peom.

Glad you've enjoyed it ApatheticMe, I like pressing the enter key a lot (Well I write most things by pen first then type them up) just so I can annoy people who think that poems should be organised. That's not the case for me, I've got full freedom over my work and with full freedom comes chaos. I like my work messy; imperfect.

Thank you both.
#5
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
I'm not really sure whether this is rubbish or not.
________
The world's fixed still
at 5am;
In bide of its
patriarchs for more scut-
work.
Suburban street lamps
the only indication
of breathing.
I sat drunk on the
ledge of a terrace,
unsure of what great
and troubling
matters required my
presence on fort walls.
A little grin
seems to paint itself
on me (I picture Death
down there, tipping
his hat; anxious).
In a bout of idiocracy
the bottle torpedos
its way to Death, he said
"Well, you've ****ed up
your one chance of
slight satisfaction for the
week, ride along and we'll
find it". A luring offer,
I had more inside though.


edit: one thing actually, not sure with 'scut', i may be missing something or the way it would be read, but explain? ;S


this is kind of like Jesse Bernstein. Really atmospheric in a kind of cynical way but not at the same time, realistic basically cus that's what reality is.

Any chance of crit on my new one? >.> If you get a free moment or two
Last edited by Zoot Allures at Oct 8, 2011,
#6
"scutwork - trivial, unrewarding, tedious, dirty, and disagreeable chores"

I've never read anything by Jesse Bernstein, but I've got a bit of extra cash so I might as well buy something of his and check him out. Thanks by the way.

I'll crit yours in a minute.


Also, I went ahead and looked him up and found this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJjqk5t4xGI

Love it...oh so much.
#7
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
"scutwork - trivial, unrewarding, tedious, dirty, and disagreeable chores"

I've never read anything by Jesse Bernstein, but I've got a bit of extra cash so I might as well buy something of his and check him out. Thanks by the way.

I'll crit yours in a minute.


Also, I went ahead and looked him up and found this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJjqk5t4xGI

Love it...oh so much.

Oh i see, leave it be then, just never heard that phrase before >.> But i like the poem, thanks for the crit on mine, i'll work on it some more tonight a bit.

And yeah Jesse Bernstein is awesome, apparently it's hard to get any physical copies of his poems or recordings of them so youtube is really good for that right now. There's an archive that's meant to be uploaded at some point on his website but i dunno when if ever that will be.