#1
A poem that if i ever did record it would be set to some kind of music probably, and done as more of an ambient thing. Tell me what you think



Dawn:

Hardest impact you'll ever feel
Bleeding they can't see.
The teardrop in the hurricane
All directions become one.

Cast a shadow to your lifetime
No instruction, no logic,
there never was, will you ever know?

You can stay confined by illusion.
Stay sheltered from the rain of freedom
Stay out, forget your own
Embrace the night and inflict its terrors.
Will you miss the rising of our other stars?
Your own dawn, your ticket to the ride.

Last edited by Zoot Allures at Oct 8, 2011,
#2
Someone once told me.
There's no reason.
You can't connect lines.
Using words like 'is' or 'a'.
Enjoyable at times.

Even if you
don't
want
it kind of
messy
and would
prefer
a little
structure.

Writing something like it's in bullet points.
A distraction to the reader, at least me.
I understand if it's intentional.
Something you meant to do.
Just don't always feel constricted.
Break out, be free.

As for content, I found the imagery quite enjoyable. Especially "A teardrop in a hurricane".
However,


Quote by Zoot Allures



Dawn:

Hardest impact you'll ever feel
Bleeding they can't see. Some lines you've used, such as this one, are a tad cliche.
The teardrop in the hurricane
All directions become one. Or this one, things that "become one" usually are.

Cast a shadow to your lifetime
No instruction, no logic,
there never was, will you ever know? Very nice.

You can stay confined by illusion.
Stay sheltered from the rain of freedom I picture myself dancing outside in the rain, lovely.
Stay out, forget your own
Embrace the night and inflict its terrors.
Will you miss the rising of our other stars?
Your own dawn, your ticket to the ride. Liked the last bit here



I feel like this is a bit too vague, throw some more of that great imagery into my head man! I went in and came out wondering "What was he really talking about? I wonder if it's choices in life, growing up or not conforming to what people tell you". I wasn't sure, when I'm reading something I like thinking that I know exactly what the author was thinking. What he's seeing (even if it's in the mind's eye type of thing), smelling, hearing, touching, how everything is around him. What caused him to feel this way etc. No need to write long prose about the reason, but one simple line in the piece such as "she dumped me" or "i'm bankrupt as ****" would do it. (I'm not saying exactly like that, but just something simple explaining). I see a lot of potential here dude.

Anyway, hope this was helpful