#1
Been playing around with it trying to make it work. I think this is the best version I've done of it. Crit?

If the past is told
by those who win; who's telling ours?
Life's but a game,
Just wish I'd realised from the start.

One day you'll see,
Just how much you still need me.
But when it clicks
I'm gonna tell you:

I'm not the one.
Not gonna be there to save you.
Now you're on your own.
I ain't got time to be your hero.

I'm not the one.
You shouldn't have given up so easily.
With no winners here
The bigger loss will be yours to hold.

So you're on your own,
Try pretend it wasn't all your fault.
Cause after all,
When you act lonely, who's to say your not?

And even if
You came back all apologetic
I'd have to laugh.
Trust can't be repaired nor glued.

I'm not the one.
Not gonna be there to save you.
Now you're on your own.
I ain't got time to be your hero.

I'm not the one.
You shouldn't have given up so easily.
With no winners here
The bigger loss will be yours to hold.
Quote by saphrax
Bit harsh I think! He comes back for the last 10 minutes against Roma, after being out all season, and you want him crippled again? You harsh wanker!


Aimed at me for saying I hope Gary Neville breaks all his limbs
#2
I think there would be more continuity if instead of repeating the last two verses, maybe making some reference of how "not [being] there to save [them]" in essence makes you the winner. Even though the song is something that might happen in the future, to me it just stands to reason that since you referenced that you wish you knew there was a winner sooner in life, later in life you'd realize that you aren't the one losing.

Just my take. I really like most of the lines you have in there. Some of them, the "I aint got time to be your hero" one, to me, is a little trite. I don't mean to offend, of course!
Your mother likes it ruff, Trebeck.
#3
Quote by you = fail
I think there would be more continuity if instead of repeating the last two verses, maybe making some reference of how "not [being] there to save [them]" in essence makes you the winner. Even though the song is something that might happen in the future, to me it just stands to reason that since you referenced that you wish you knew there was a winner sooner in life, later in life you'd realize that you aren't the one losing.


I get what you mean, and I thought about doing that. Thing is this is aimed at being more of a sing-along, single style song, so I thought it would work better if it's just the same so it's easier to pick up.

Quote by you = fail
I really like most of the lines you have in there. Some of them, the "I aint got time to be your hero" one, to me, is a little trite. I don't mean to offend, of course!


Thanks man. The whole target going into writing this song was to play around with some more clichéd lyrics and quotes and twist them a bit, so it's understandable it comes across that way.

Cheers for taking the time to critique it and to give your input man
Quote by saphrax
Bit harsh I think! He comes back for the last 10 minutes against Roma, after being out all season, and you want him crippled again? You harsh wanker!


Aimed at me for saying I hope Gary Neville breaks all his limbs
#4
If you're trying to write a "single style song" than you got it pretty much down. I think the line "I ain't got time to be your hero." doesn't fit as well as the other lines though. I think it's a few syllables too long. Maybe switch it to "No time to be your hero" ? and the line "The bigger loss will be yours to hold." seems too long as well. Maybe switch it to "The bigger loss is yours to hold" ? It also makes it present tense which I think adds a little more sting.