#1
----
Havent been on UG in a while, coming back with a vengeance. If people still do C4C, then I'd be much obliged to partake I just have class until 5, so my C4C will have to wait until a little after then. Tell me what you think - first thing I've written since high school.
-----


I’m blind after all these years of seeing
Years spent believing someone like me could be with
Someone like you, but truth is
I can’t see who or what I am, and every day you change who you are
Guess we missed our mark, or skipped a scene or line
The kind that twists the story to something more than
A day time drama on the tele’ but this director has no vision

What sense does it make?

I’m deaf after all these months of hearing
Excuses left to fill empty ears from empty hearts
Too far from meaning anything real, so I let go -
Let bouncing echoes hop in someone else’s walls
I gave my all, now I send a wrecking ball to tear down this façade
With protesting screams that there’s history and it must be preserved
But I have some nerve and nothing can be heard over blasting caps detonating

This is so bland after days of flavor
I tried to savor any ounce of taste but it dried up in all the heat
And the sweet smell of her perfume is replaced by charcoal scents
Minutes turned to seconds, and I ask;
What sense does it make that I would still like to touch you one last time?
Your mother likes it ruff, Trebeck.
#3
I like bits and pieces of it. Some word choices are great - bouncing echoes, charcoal scents, blasting caps - but others make me cringe, like the fourth line of the first stanza and "gave my all".

The last section is by far the best. If you cleaned this up I'd probably save it.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#4
Quote by Cobrevolution
I like bits and pieces of it. Some word choices are great - bouncing echoes, charcoal scents, blasting caps - but others make me cringe, like the fourth line of the first stanza and "gave my all".

The last section is by far the best. If you cleaned this up I'd probably save it.


I agree with you, some of the lines read forced. I took a look at it, came up with the following changes (still not done, but better I think ):


I’m blind after all these years of seeing
Years spent mirroring someone like me next to
Someone like you, but truth is
I can’t catch sight of what we or who you are

Guess we missed our mark, hasty eyes that skipped a scene or line
The kind that twists the story to something more than
A day time drama on the tele’ but this director has no vision

What sense does it make?

I’m deaf after all these months of hearing
Excuses left to fill empty ears from empty hearts
Too far from meaning anything real, so I let go -
Let bouncing echoes hop in someone else’s walls.
I’ll send a wrecking ball to tear down my façade
With protesting screams that there’s history and it must be preserved
But I have some nerve and nothing can be heard over the blasting caps bursts

This is so bland after days of flavor
I tried to savor any ounce of taste but it dried up in all the heat
And the sweet smell of her perfume is replaced by charcoal scents
Minutes turned to seconds, and I ask
What sense does it make that I would still like to touch you one last time?


I'll come back to it later, still
Your mother likes it ruff, Trebeck.