#1
First Trimester by Daniel West
Standing naked inside a clouded cubicle, it's tall and confined,
with a screen that foams into the tiles and sticks to your skin.
The temperature chills as air from the cold Irish winter pours in.
My thoughts stray from the amarathine of my well
to my mother running and violently vomiting into the toilet.
She is in her first trimester and I will soon have a baby sister.

I turn off the shower so that I can hear her tears
stream down over the endless fits, contracting and screaming.
I wish I had a magic root in a bowl of fresh milk and blood
to hide under her face in the sewer below her.
But I am only sixteen, with problems and a hollowing reality:
school, loneliness, family, religion, a solution of piss and soap.

But there is a bubble inside of me that pops vibrantly
when I think of this memory and what it meant to me,
because my mother went through all that just to bare what
I now see as half my existence, half the reason why I'm still alive.
There is no one ungrateful at the end, no one left to cut
the water that soothes my burning veins.
#2
Not really a fan of this. Some lines made me smash my head against a wall.

Maybe this just isn't my style.
#4
Kinda rough

Sigh. Guess I'll do this like we did in the 'good old days', right?

Standing naked inside a clouded cubicle, it's tall and confined,

I'd remove the "it's" here; makes for better fl0w.

with a screen that foams into the tiles and sticks to your skin.

imo, the last part doesn't rly work. I'd put a full stop behind 'tiles'; it reads awesomely imo. then again the last part is kinda.. relatable i guess? but doesn't rly add anything does it?

The temperature chills as air from the cold Irish winter pours in.
My thoughts stray from the amarathine of my well
to my mother running and violently vomiting into the toilet.
She is in her first trimester and I will soon have a baby sister.
this is one of those lines that made me smash my head against a wall. it ruins the whole verse imo. it's bad bad bad.

I turn off the shower so that I can hear her tears
stream down over the endless fits, contracting and screaming.
wayyyy tooo many words. contracting and screaming. screaming is a baddie word. i dont like it. not really sure here watdo
I wish I had a magic root in a bowl of fresh milk and blood
to hide under her face in the sewer below her.
magic root? rly guess i'm missing the references here or something. under her face in the sewer below her. not a fan.
But I am only sixteen, with problems and a hollowing reality:
school, loneliness, family, religion, a solution of piss and soap.
okay i didnt like this verse at all sry bro

But there is a bubble inside of me that pops vibrantly
when I think of this memory and what it meant to me,
because my mother went through all that just to bare what
lose the because; use a full stop after me
I now see as half my existence, half the reason why I'm still alive.
There is no one ungrateful at the end, no one left to cut
the water that soothes my burning veins.

and we're done!
Last edited by phantom1 at Oct 10, 2011,