#1
And what if I forget to breathe?
think of the nights spent staring at my ceiling
coming up with the words I'd say,
only to lose them as soon as it comes to seeing.

I would have dreams of you holding a shovel,
one corner sharpened and one corner blunt,
There to make sure that I never speak to you,
helping me forget how to breathe.

No sooner than the dirt had settled,
no sonner than the dawn had come,
Whether falling to death or falling in love,
Six feet is a long way down.
In a hole with a wooden floor,
In a hole with my hands bound,
Whether falling to death or falling in love,
Six feet is a long way down.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#2
I like the image of "helping me forget how to breathe" it lightens the mood of death which makes the possibly of "falling in love" more believable. I like it, just needs some spell check.
#3
For the most part, I couldn't get into it. Nothing I could really connect to. However, I did like this one bit:
I would have dreams of you holding a shovel,
one corner sharpened and one corner blunt,
There to make sure that I never speak to you,

An image that's mean and honest. It sounds like something you would say.
#4
Quote by JustRooster
And what if I forget to breathe?
think of the nights spent staring at my ceiling
coming up with the words I'd say,
only to lose them as soon as it comes to seeing.

I think you could have reworded the last line, it sounds weird to me.

I would have dreams of you holding a shovel,
one corner sharpened and one corner blunt,
There to make sure that I never speak to you,
helping me forget how to breathe.

This is my favourite part. Good concept and nice imagery.

No sooner than the dirt had settled,
no sonner than the dawn had come,
Whether falling to death or falling in love,
Six feet is a long way down.
In a hole with a wooden floor,
In a hole with my hands bound,
Whether falling to death or falling in love,
Six feet is a long way down.

This stanza is pretty good as well, I like the way you are comparing death to falling in love.


I enjoyed reading it, pretty good. Out of interest, is it about how falling in love is like killing yourself? Or something similar?
#5
Quote by JustRooster
And what if I forget to breathe?
think of the nights spent staring at my ceiling
coming up with the words I'd say,
only to lose them as soon as it comes to seeing.

I would have dreams of you holding a shovel,
one corner sharpened and one corner blunt,
There to make sure that I never speak to you,
helping me forget how to breathe.

No sooner than the dirt had settled,
no sonner than the dawn had come,
Whether falling to death or falling in love,
Six feet is a long way down.
In a hole with a wooden floor,
In a hole with my hands bound,
Whether falling to death or falling in love,
Six feet is a long way down.


It read smoothly, the "One corner sharpened and one corner blunt" line definitely added to the bipolar of the love/death idea. I can't help but feel this was more formulaic than your other writings? I loved Astronaut Jake to be honest, figurative language is definitely a strength of yours.

That being said, the repetition at the end was a strong way to end it, I enjoyed it.
A good write, but my preferance is in space :P
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