#1
Nothing is as real as the dreams you long for
When pining away your time leaves you empty
Searching for false truths and fake streets
Set fire to your paper memories and your words of wisdom
Your mind will still keep you hurting

Day after day like a flickering light
Trying to shine in an abyss

Hastily scrawl your burdens on pages of desolace
Rewrite your history to make people care
Count your demons destined to multiply
Or divide your countenance into layers
To trap them inside

Lay waste to the wreckage of your mind
Now drain the holy water from your eyes
Your destined to repeat in oscillations

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The second stanza and the last line of the last two stanzas seem a little awkward to me. What do you guys think I can change to make it flow a more cohesively? Or suggestions on other parts would be great as well. Thanks
#2
Nice, I enjoyed that. I really like the line "Hastily scrawl your burdens on pages of desolace". The last line of the second to last stanza could be made longer and/or made to rhyme to make it flow better. The last line of the last stanza is a bit awkward because of "oscillations". Just change the word for something else. Also, in the second stanza, it should be "shine into an abyss" :P
#3
Nothing is as real as the dreams you long for
When pining away your time leaves you empty
Searching for false truths and fake streets
Set fire to your paper memories and your words of wisdom
Your mind will still keep you hurting

Day after day like a flickering light
Trying to shine into an abyss

Hastily scrawl your burdens on pages of desolace
Rewrite your history to make people care
Count your demons destined to multiply
Or divide your countenance into layers

Lay waste to the wreckage of your mind
Now drain the holy water from your eyes
Until you can't spare another drop

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, thanks for the suggestions. I bolded the revisions I made and took out the last line of the second to last stanza. I'm still iffy on the last line of the last stanza though. The last line changes the meaning of the piece a little bit.