#1
Among stiletto, sequined girls in the streets
we smell smoke, kids choking in the alley ways;
virgin lungs, and probably genitals too.
Can't walk one block without a crackhead begging
but you can dip inside and get your backhand stamped
to climb the vomit stair case
and dance among the tool shed of drunken idiots
and overpay greatly for watered down shots
while the beat sends the weak back down.

Outside, cops dot along the well-lit streets
and flirt with all the tipsy little high school girls.
Inside, they're getting drunk on some fake ID's
and promptly whisked away by the college boy scene.
Like sharks, they circle in on their innocent prey
with insatiable lust for virgin blood
and the fear that some one might remember it all the next day,
inducting them into the prison cell hall of shame.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Oct 16, 2011,
#3
sounds like you had a good night out, eh?

it's sad how this transparent and widespread this scene is: it's much of the travelworld, in every city, the same kids out for the same kicks, so they can talk about the next time how drunk they are right now, and how bangin' the night was.

right

this stated out with some elegance and poetic intent, it seems, but faded quickly into cynicism and disgust, presumably as the night wore on, and as more beers went down the hatch to deal with the bleak realities of watery whiskey and bad pop music. I suppose it needs to be pointed out though. Rolling our eyes so often gets dizzying.
#5
Hey Blake. Really good read. Really. Only thing is, I don't think it should have stopped there.

I share Sean's thoughts of the decline within the piece, and I really enjoyed it, and I know how hard it is to write after you think you've finished, but for me this is a glimpse of something bigger, a much more deep statement that could have gone beyond a one night stand, if you know what I mean.

I hope you do, anyway.
This is not a pipe
#6
you really delved into the aesthetic of this here and it was almost palpable. i really enjoyed this piece as well as your previous 'bars and docks' piece for that very reason. the parts i enjoyed the most were in the first stanza when you explored that aesthetic. and while i would've appreciated more subtlety in how you went about the second stanza, the cynicism did ring quite true and refreshing
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Thanks, guys. And Carmel, when I have time to reconsider this piece, I'll possibly add something to it and let you know if and when that happens. Glad you liked it for what it is so far, though.


Edit : I may even try to spice up the second stanza a bit as well, after all, it is kind of ... you know.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Oct 25, 2011,
#8
haha soo true. funny stuff there. i pictured a bunch of nonsense when its 2am an a bunch of drunks getting out from the bars. yelling, screaming, or whatever. cops patrolling around for a reason to stop and question somebody. this piece was quite interesting. good job.
#10
nice one blake. it's well composed and is a strong image. i agree with carmel that if you played it out a bit longer you could find a more challenging and lasting heart of the poem but as it stands, it does what it does very well. it's almost playful in moments but too seedy to ever get there and that gives it even more bite.

good poem
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me