#1
I put on a white bed sheet and step out into the cold;
no one ever noticed me, so this is how I should go.
I reach for the blade, but red stains will be vivid in the snow.
The sky is darkening as my final chapter unfolds.


***

3 October 2011. Page 79.

Sorry mom, I never understood our conversations,
but I always sat down and tried to decipher our special connection.
I somehow grasp your words, even if they are badly slurred,
even when you speak in Morse, even when you talk to the birds.
You used to flail your hands around when you felt vile
but I’d make a funny face, hit myself and you’d start to smile.
I figured out that you like colorful things and vibrant sounds;
I know you like to sing when I am around.
But the seams binding together my veil of compassion
is wearing out.
I hope you know you are the only soul I will ever miss,
I hope someday this house will be a better place to live.
I hope you learn that everyone will have to make a choice
-this is mine-
and in the darkest room I hope you will still remember my voice.

Sorry dad, I lived the lowliest expectations of a man.
I accomplished nothing as you constantly spat on my plans.
When I rebelled; tried to break free from my domestic shell,
you reenacted the phantasmagoria of your prison cell.
The pain was intolerable; my soul wanted to drift away.
It was pulled in all directions, by demons on a loveless sleigh.
My emotional control system started to malfunction,
like a misguided artificially intelligent contraption.
My tears gush endlessly into my expression bowl
of geminated failures and unaccomplished goals.
You smash my bowl into my face; I am covered in red
“REAL MEN DON'T CRY; GET THAT THE-**** IN YOUR HEAD!”
But I am still the dunce in the corner,
and my time will never run out.
I hope you know that I am the living reflection of you.
I am the useless boy no one will ever look up to.
I hope you learn that everyone will have to make a choice
-this is mine-
and in the brightest room I will never have to hear your voice.

***

I reread the last sentence of my suicide handbook, and tie my legs together with rope.
There is nothing left for me here, I have abandoned all hope.
I take one last look at this beautifully whitewashed earth
and jump into the subzero waters of a forsaken birth.