#1
Ive never really been one to share my writing, because Im not really confident in my abilities as a writer, but I was hoping to get some honest feedback from strangers! haha


It sneaks on in
Collects in the lung
The smoke of the fairground
Back when we were young

The refreshment stalls
Cooking up world cuisine
An attack on the senses
Unflattering glean

The cool of the night
And the daytime’s heat fight
An assault on the senses
Telescopic sight

The sounds of buzzers
Entertainment stretching forever
An ambush on the senses
But leave whenever

The sight of the smoke
From all the activity
Abuses my senses
Disguising all certainty

It sneaks on in
Collects in the lung
The smoke of the fairground
Back when we were young


Thanks
#2
I dont know how to take this. one one hand it feels like its got a lovely almost nostalgic feel to it, but some of the word choices take my mind somewhere a little darker, and more sinister. Possibly that could just be the fairground imagery, which is a ****ing warped place anyway, but words like "ambush", and "fight", and "abuse" and "unflattering" lead me to believe that this isn't a fond trip down memory lane, but there doesnt seem to be enough content to indicate exactly what it is instead.

That said, Its a quite a neat little piece you have here. It breezes along nicely, it's very readable and not too oblique to gain enjoyment from, Its very sensory, and the imagery is good.
However, I found that some of the wording comes across as a little bit forced, like for example the shall we say idiosyncratic grammar choices that seem to come out of nowhere in the 4th and 5th stanzas. It feels fractured and disjointed around the middle, and that mainly seems to be down to you trying to adhere to the meter you had already set up for yourself.

Thats often a problem with strict rhyme schemes and meters though, they can become like a prison and force you to put in a line just because you don't immediately have a better one, or they can force you to butcher grammar and syntax just to cram the words you want to use in, which sticks out like a sore thumb, especially if you had set up the rest of the poem to follow more conventional rules of english.

Confidence comes with more writing. Just know, this is by no means a bad piece. It might be a bit rough round the edges, but you can clearly string a sentence together and this shows that you have the ability to organise and compose your thoughts enough to create a thing of art and beauty. How much you'll progress from here is totally up to you. you'll get there. Your confidence will grow, Just keep cracking on.

keep moving.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------