#1
I don't know whether I'm happy submitting it as it is now, I've been looking at it for days and nothing is changing, besides a constant structure battle with myself.
For lack of a better title, I gave it this one, feel free to suggest one
Without further ado -


Marbled grey skies boarder the heavens
like a silver that lost the line it belongs in
I'm so lost without your taste;
It reminds me why I drink
bitterness burns for much shorter than this
sentance that's gone on too long,
slowly it captured me, tied me up, chained me down
I used to call this house my home

Picture-framed prison cells,
Caging me, holding me back
From ambition and amnesty

Six year old shackles, pressed between bars
"Let me out of here" screamed out in silence
I'm not as innocent as them
but goddamn I'll repent.
I swear I'll repent.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Oct 25, 2011,
#2
I decided on a title, minor editing. Sorry for the bump
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#3
for the title i would suggest Fire in the Sky or the King's Dementia


Marbled grey skies boarder the heavens
like a silver that lost the line it belongs in
I'm so lost without your taste;
It reminds me why I drink

These four lines captured my imagenation about that barrer of marbled grey skies protecting heaven. Silver must be the brand from a particular drink the narrator craves for.


bitterness burns for much shorter than this
sentance (sentence) that's gone on too long,
slowly it captured me, tied me up, chained me down
I used to call this house my home

The mood shifts back to earth towardfs the house the narrator describes. the burn must be a whiskey drink, rum, or vodka because those drinks burn. maybe the narrartor is at this home drinking alone and reflecting from the past from the 3rd line.


Picture-framed prison cells,
Caging me, holding me back
From ambition and amnesty

You may want to get rid of these lines because you've already described it in the last stanza. doesn't fit here but maybe put some of the imagery at the end.

Six year old shackles, pressed between bars
"Let me out of here" screamed (cried) out in silence
I'm not as innocent as them
but goddamn I'll repent.
I swear I'll repent.

the last stanza im rather debating the narrator is spending time in purgatory reflecting from loss time spend on earth or spending time in prison drinking pruno juice. six years in this holding cell somewhere in the skies or the spirit world. Towards the end pleading or crying out i'll repent thus trying to move forward.


overall i like this piece because of the imagery and direction you presented from beginning to end. it never lost that direction and hopefully i got it.
Last edited by jod23 at Oct 25, 2011,
#4
so is "Birdhouse" or "The smell of bourbon and regret in an empty pew" the title? i can change it for you if you want, y'know. for some reason users can't change the real title of their own threads.

as for the piece:


this has some spelling mistakes and questionable punctuation. i had trouble imagining the first image because of the 'silver', i might be missing something, english is not my first language.

the second stanza is in my opinion the weakest. it could use a full rewrite, if you plan on keeping it. i think you should work more on your phrases, the way you say stuff, make them flow together as if that's what they were made for, turn them around and make them interesting. this advice goes to the whole piece. you often start with a noun paired with some adjectives, ex: "two feedback comments, posted on my thread". try changing the structure more, include yourself, include everyday ways of saying stuff (that doesn't mean say everyday stuff). next time you read a poem, focus on the way the author builds and places its phrases. i don't feel like going into especific bits of the piece right now.

i enjoyed it though, it reminded me of me, hehe. this has some great ideas behind i think. it just needs some polishing.