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#1
start posting some of the dirtiest sex jokes you know, lets see who gets the better one! GO!
woodery9896

electro-acoustic guitar player
(looking for band in or near rayleigh - essex - UK)
#4
i ****ed a tortoise shell with pieces of meat still stuck inside while in a pile of shit from a donkey who ate nothing but burritos with rotten cheese for 12 years straight.

dirty enough for you?
#5
Quote by vagelier
i ****ed a tortoise shell with pieces of meat still stuck inside while in a pile of shit from a donkey who ate nothing but burritos with rotten cheese for 12 years straight.

dirty enough for you?



Just came.
dirtbag ballet by the bins down the alley
as i walk through the chalet of the shadow of death
everything that you've come to expect


#6
A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired"

Everyone laughed.

The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.
#7
I once had sex with a girl whilst covered in mud telling knock knock jokes.
#8
Whats the worst part about ****ing a dead baby?
Cleaning the blood stains off your clown suit

Whats the worst part about ****ing a vegetable?
Putting them back in their wheelchair
PRS Standard 22, Trans Blue
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Martin DC16 GTE Acoustic/Electric
Segovia Acoustic/Electric
Marshall JCM 900 Dual Reverb
Fender Princeton Chorus 212
#9
There were 3 men stranded on a deserted island with a young and attractive female. Knowing that they couldn't possibly live without sex, they had an agreement; each man had a week to spend with her before passing her to the next guy. It was only fair, and it was advantageous to everyone, especially to the girl.

Unfortunately, one day, she died. The first week passed and it was terrible. The second week passed and it was worse. The men eventually decided that enough was enough.

So they buried her.
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Listening to: Esperanza Spalding, Vulfpeck, Caravan Palace


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#10
A Pitmonkey had secks.

Trololololo.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#11
So this woman entered a horse.

The wood began to tear from her weight, far too much in an already crowded place.

Fortunately, it didn't make alot of sound. Just as desired.

Noise from outside indicated there were spectators.

The wood then began to shake, rattle and roll over the ground.

The noise increased as other wooden objects opened.

Eventually, the noise was ear deafening. Propably from a party by the spectators.

The woman seemed to enjoy it.

Then, nightfall.

And Troy fell.
#12
also; what's the hardest part of hiding dead babies in your garage?

my dick.
#13
Quote by SilverchairFan

Whats the worst part about ****ing a vegetable?
Putting them back in their wheelchair







oh god, I'm going to hell.
Quote by Våd Hamster
Fuck yes you are the best poster ever

do you wanna hear a little piano composition I have just made?, I promise it don't totally sucks, you can hear it on my profile, any feedback would be really appreciated -C4C
#15
Quote by Duffman123
Dead baby jokes seem a bit too try hard for me

I'm not a huge fan either, it just came to mind. That "so they buried her" joke though made me lol.
#16
Quote by Duffman123
A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired"

Everyone laughed.

The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.

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#18
Quote by Wolfinator-x
There were 3 men stranded on a deserted island with a young and attractive female. Knowing that they couldn't possibly live without sex, they had an agreement; each man had a week to spend with her before passing her to the next guy. It was only fair, and it was advantageous to everyone, especially to the girl.

Unfortunately, one day, she died. The first week passed and it was terrible. The second week passed and it was worse. The men eventually decided that enough was enough.

So they buried her.


I think I've spent too long on sickipedia because as soon as you said "The first week passed and it was terrible" I assumed that necrophilia was in play
dirtbag ballet by the bins down the alley
as i walk through the chalet of the shadow of death
everything that you've come to expect


#19
So a man gets shipwrecked and lands on an island. As he's walking around, he sees a fence holding in a giant green pasture with a bar in the center. He stops at the fence and admires the craftsmanship and the time it took to build it. He walks into the bar, and he sees one barman at the back, polishing a mug.
He walks up to the barman and asks, "Did you build that beautiful fence?"

The barman replies, "Yep, built that fence with my own two hands. Took me forever, it did, but I built it all by myself."

The shipwrecked man replies, "It's very nice."

"Thank ye." says the barman. "I've built tons of beautiful fences, but they don't call me Jack the fence-builder, no they don't. Do you like this bar?" He asks.

"Yes" says the shipwrecked man, looking down on a bar build from dark, polished wood, with ornate carvings in every inch. "It's very nice.

"I've built a hundred like this at least." says the barman. "But they don't call me Jack the barman do they?"

The shipwrecked man is very confused and says at last, "Then what do they call you?"

The barman looks him straight in the eye and says, "I've built a hundred fences, a hundred bars, and no one remembers, but if you **** ONE GOAT."
#20
^

Reminds me of "You wipe your dick on ONE toddler, and suddenly you're a pedophile!"

OT: My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.
You are now using UG Black.
You are now using UG Classic.


Listening to: Esperanza Spalding, Vulfpeck, Caravan Palace


It is I, the mighty shitkicker, as prophesied by JustRooster. Obey me.
#21
A man and woman had consensual sex on their bed of matrimony and they both loved each other dearly.
pinga
#22
There once was a hooker named Sue,
she filled her vagina with glue.
She decided to help her to afford her house,
if men payed to get in her,
they'd pay to get out.
you're a stone fox
#23
Quote by Wolfinator-x
^

Reminds me of "You wipe your dick on ONE toddler, and suddenly you're a pedophile!"

OT: My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.


My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you know!"

I started waving my hand at her and repeated what she said.
dirtbag ballet by the bins down the alley
as i walk through the chalet of the shadow of death
everything that you've come to expect


#24
Quote by Saint78
There once was a hooker named Sue,
she filled her vagina with glue.
She decided to help her to afford her house,
if men payed to get in her,
they'd pay to get out.
That scans like fuck.
#25
Quote by Trowzaa
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you know!"

I started waving my hand at her and repeated what she said.
You are now using UG Black.
You are now using UG Classic.


Listening to: Esperanza Spalding, Vulfpeck, Caravan Palace


It is I, the mighty shitkicker, as prophesied by JustRooster. Obey me.
#26
Quote by Trowzaa
I think I've spent too long on sickipedia because as soon as you said "The first week passed and it was terrible" I assumed that necrophilia was in play


I don't even understand how someone could take that line differently. Why would the first week be bad and second week worse when they were just talking about taking her week by week?

#27
Quote by Duffman123
A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired"

Everyone laughed.

The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.

Quote by korinaflyingv
On the come up we were listening to Grateful Dead and the music started passing through my bowel and out my arsehole as this violet stream of light. I shat music. It was beautiful.
#28
Quote by psyks
That scans like fuck.


What do you mean by scans?
you're a stone fox
#29
Quote by SaintsofNowhere
I don't even understand how someone could take that line differently. Why would the first week be bad and second week worse when they were just talking about taking her week by week?


It's meant to be like "the first week was shit because they didn't have sex, the second week was worse cos there was no sex still".
dirtbag ballet by the bins down the alley
as i walk through the chalet of the shadow of death
everything that you've come to expect


#30
Quote by Trowzaa
It's meant to be like "the first week was shit because they didn't have sex, the second week was worse cos there was no sex still".


No, they were having sex with the dead body and it was rotting week by week so the sex sucked.
you're a stone fox
#31
Quote by Saint78
No, they were having sex with the dead body and it was rotting week by week so the sex sucked.


Yeah, I know, that's the joke, Saint's was asking what you're supposed to think before the punchline comes in.
dirtbag ballet by the bins down the alley
as i walk through the chalet of the shadow of death
everything that you've come to expect


#32
Quote by Trowzaa
Yeah, I know, that's the joke, Saint's was asking what you're supposed to think before the punchline comes in.


Ohhh, okay.
you're a stone fox
#34
"What should I put in there. Soap?"

"No soap. The radio."
[img]http://i.imgur.com/LYZyCdp.gif[/img]


Quote by CrossBack7
Momie's like not even a real person, just an asian, lesbian spirit.
#36
Quote by psyks
The syllables are all wrong.


I know, that isn't the joke word for word, that's what I remember of the joke.
you're a stone fox
#37
Quote by Mr Winters
I'll see you there


Have you gentlemen heard of our Lord, Jesus Christ?
NT

BE QUICK OR BE DEAD SON
#38
Quote by Wolfinator-x
^

Reminds me of "You wipe your dick on ONE toddler, and suddenly you're a pedophile!"

OT: My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.





OT: Someone I know just put this on facebook after the football today:

The last time United fans were ****ed this badly Ian Huntley got arrested for it.
You cannot choose the little time you're given in this world. You enter bare and unclothed, provided only with intelligence enough to choose how you spend your time. You always have a choice. Always. Though be warned, your choice can rarely be undone
#39
Quote by Trowzaa
Yeah, I know, that's the joke, Saint's was asking what you're supposed to think before the punchline comes in.
Meh, I was expecting it to become a gay joke the first time I heard it

Maybe I didn't say it the best way I could have.
You are now using UG Black.
You are now using UG Classic.


Listening to: Esperanza Spalding, Vulfpeck, Caravan Palace


It is I, the mighty shitkicker, as prophesied by JustRooster. Obey me.
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