#1
Melt inside misanthropy
You sweet, secular soul
If in the end you're nothing
Why do you suffer
Beautifully

You will not have control
Over your body, precious thing
Why should you seek perfection
In a world so
Beautiful

Die endlessly within
Until you really live and breathe
Feel all the needles puncture
Your sight seers
Beautifully

Remember that there is no god
And that you don't exist
But love and hate, divine, still hurt
So close your eyes and...
Beautiful
Last edited by Dillon_Kennedy at Oct 30, 2011,
#2
reminds me of the final days on earth and passing over. when the narrator see's the light and its beautiful. or it could be time travel through the galaxy finding the light. exploring different planets and starting a new life there. it may also finding the fountain of youth and living forever. other than that good imagery that i can relate. good work.
#3
i wrote this piece about retaining an optimistic outlook on life even when you believe in nothing. I had a certain girl in mind that i would give this rather unorthodox advice to if she would only understand...
thanks for reading and thanks even more for taking the time to say something!

i think i should add that im still not quite happy with the 'love still hurts...' line


btw which title is correct? i mean it to say "go with nothing" spanish speakers help!!!
Last edited by Dillon_Kennedy at Oct 26, 2011,
#4
"Vaya Con Nada" is correct. "Ve Con Nada" is also correct. spanish is a tricky language, 'vaya con nada' would be used if you're directing the sentence to someone older/someone you have respect for, while 've con nada' would be more casual and how you would talk to someone you hang around with/share a bond/etc. hell, spanish has so many conjugations, 'vayamos con nada', 'voy con nada', 'vayan con nada' + more, are all correct, it all depends who you're aiming it for. lol. i think you meant 've con nada' though, i can change the title for you if you want.


as for the piece: it shows, like you said, some optimism, directed at someone who doesn't believe in god or the soul, a nihilist maybe, etc. i think you could say more though, the Beautiful part is not very impactful in some verses. i do like 'themes' being repeated in pieces however.

"but still love hurts and hate, divine" is really weird, what are you trying to say? where did that divine come from? is it refering to the concept of divinity or are you calling your chérie divine? also i'd suggest placing the subjects together in this case, more like 'but still love and hate hurt'. it reads more natural and correct, i think.

you could have gotten more creative with your images, more vivid. i do appreciate how this is relatable. the message you are getting across does reach me, i've been really existentialist at times. it's nice that you're somehow spreading hope/beauty/whatever, here.
#6
i made some edits that i think improve the flow.
to cubs: thank you for your help with the title, and yes, i would like it to be changed.
#7
Wonderful!

I haven't been reading much lately... and now I come back reading this, just... beautiful. It fits my emotional state perfectly. I've been writing alot of "just open your eyes and you'll see beauty"-poems lately.
I've posted one, would you mind reading it? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1491477

One of the best I've read on UG so far!
Empty tankard! Empty Tankard!