#1
White and black checkered
ceiling,
walls,
standing in a
White expensive suit.
Commanded disease givers;
city of angels.
Expanded oblique, ink black
but not permanent.
Tinted unreal orange.
Trespassing or passing by.
Head smash air, it can't
hurt. Its fast paced, eye
straight philosophy.
Brown leather wallet, sure
looks beat up. Oh by the way,
sure looks are over-rated and
over-stated devices. Characters
and plots and
story lines. You have to be
prepared.
Red leather yellow leather.
Red leather yellow leather.
Bro, you ain't the boss of me.
Bro, I'm on the phone.
Stop trippin.
Well excuse me while I take my
death stick medicine.
It's not for death but for
my headache.
You're giving it to me.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Oct 25, 2011,
#2
I think you Should get rid of the orange tint bit, coz then its like the guy sees everything in black and white except his wallet which is all he cares about. Tahts how I see it but you could have been going for something completely different, and you probably were.

also the bro bit seems out of place.
#4
I don't like the phrase "commanded disease givers." It just sounds forced and out of place in relation to all the prior lines.

The rest was fairly interesting, mostly original, but it felt like it was extremely unpolished, if you know what I mean.

Like some kind of new style you're experimenting with but haven't quite mastered.

I haven't read much of your other stuff, though. Looking forward to more.
#5
this is weird and interesting. i'm curious to hear what you were trying to convey with this, i'm not sure i understood this as a whole. it's surreal and stream-of-consciousness-y at parts, all while still keeping that fast-paced delivery. the bro part was funny. i think this starts to pick up at the second half. i haven't read much from you, but i'll keep an eye around.
#6
Thanks everyone.

The 'tinted unreal orange' bit is to describe a fake tan, I would take it out but I find it reveals a lot about the person I'm describing.

I've only just began experimenting with this style and I'm quite enjoying it, also it's good that you find it 'unpolished' because I was going for something a bit raw if you know what I mean. But yeah I haven't quite mastered this yet.

This is pretty much about the narcissistic upper-class stereotype. To be a little more specific, it's about a run in with a posh person at a restaurant.

I'm glad everyone enjoyed reading it, and thanks again for your comments.