#1
Call the number on the restroom surface
For a bit of sexual fiasco
Wait for her to show up and bring you bliss
Pull your pants up and now it's time to go

Pack the pipe with your final crack cocaine
Get your torch and burn it straight to the lung
Feel the stimulant rush straight to the brain
Crank every southern rock song ever sung

Coming down has never felt this subtle
Creeping off the crucifix like a thief
To melt into the earth like a puddle
It wont be long 'till you return to grief

What a day, what a day, what a strange day
Time to lay your head down and fade to gray
Last edited by Dillon_Kennedy at Oct 25, 2011,
#2
I'm not entirely sure whether I liked this one or not, here's why:

It's describing something really grim and not giving very accurate details. i.e. I'm feeling as though I should feel repulsed by some parts but not actually feeling that. It seems like you're putting this all in such a 'matter of fact' style that I'm not getting that emotionally involved. The second half was much more fitting in my opinion, since the crack high isn't that important to the reader (At least me). I also didn't like the "fad to gray" bit. C'mon, I'm sure you could find a better way to say that. In the start, you made a pretty nice and subtle rhyme with the words surface and bliss. All the other were much too obvious for my taste.

"What a day, what a day, what a strange day" is the greatest part imo.

#3
yeah this is not even close to my best work. i guess that is in part because of the restricted format of the sonnet. this is the first one ive ever written.
i like the third stanza the best. its the only one im real;ly happy with.
thanks for reading!
#4
You're right that the third stanza is the best, but it's because of the first two lines. The last two are meh. Also, the rest of it is meh.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.