#1
Ashtray's loaded, yet you don't sleep
lungs are too empty to breathe
it's just so obvious to me,
that you never seem to know just what you need
and we're too fucked up to dream

Cupboards full, but you don't eat
and the air's too thick to breathe
I guess I'll just stay lost at sea,
because these waters run too damn deep for me
is this the truth that you seek

I don't mean to keep you up at night
but I like to prove that I'm alive
I guess I'll just turn off the light,
before I see you shake your head and close your eyes
a sight I won't survive

We're just so full of disbelief
as reminiscing gives us the creeps
and there's nothing left to breathe,
as the room fills with more fucking misery
yeah, what else would it be

I don't mean to keep you up at night
but I like to prove that I'm alive
I guess I'll just turn off the light,
before I see you shake your head and close your eyes
a sight I won't survive

tonight
we'll prove that we're alive
tonight
but how will we survive
tonight

What the hell happened last night
the way the air seemed so alive
and just before we finally turn off the lights
I see you smile and close your eyes
such a sight for such sore eyes
#3
is this being put to music? i'd love to hear it. might change the rest of this crit

as a poem, i think maybe the rhymes are getting a little too repetitive, especially in the first two stanzas - they're almost distracting rather than interesting or thoughtful when spoken out loud, which is unfortunate because the content is good and the images are clear. I wouldn't necessarily change anything in this (I'm not a huge fan of big edits or reworks) but it's something to keep in mind for later.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja