#1
Hey UG,

This is the first set of lyrics I have ever written. Please give some sort of constructive criticism if you decide to comment, which I hope you do! I intend to put this to music later, but I haven't finished writing just yet. Here it is:

The Demon Shall Be

Always entering through the back door
Like a refugee he washed ashore
Air, his soup du jour, but nevermore
He’s seen that demon’s print before

Left behind a life of waste
Soured dreams distort his face
Who’s to say it’s different here
That God up there can’t shed a tear

They say good comes to those who wait
He waits and waits, he’s now Death’s bait
That dark destination of nothing and everything
Brings solace to a man aching for anything

No bags to pack, no time to spare
Is Fate to blame, he doesn’t care
The demon’s print, reflects the mirror
The demon is he and that demon shall be


The general theme I was going for is that man is in control of his own destiny and that the wait for Fate is eternal.

Hope you guys like it.


EDIT: Here's the music I'm thinking of putting it to when it's finished.

http://soundcloud.com/v-egafan90/untitled
People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special place and burned - Sherlock Holmes


Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass!

It's not like bullshit, more like poetry.
Last edited by )v(egaFan90 at Nov 3, 2011,
#2
Any comments at all on the style or name will help me greatly in deciding where I go from here. Even a short "yes" you like it or "no" it could use some changing would be nice.
People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special place and burned - Sherlock Holmes


Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass!

It's not like bullshit, more like poetry.
#3
Lose the rhyming. It's something that, if done properly, can really bring a song to life. But in excess, it can really hurt. It will make your lyrics seem forced, as if you only wrote lines to fill in the rhyme scheme.

You've fallen into the trap of giving us a nameless, faceless character. He's just a blank somebody there to fill in, and not very meaningful. Either give him some personality, or take him out.

A lot of this is ambiguous, "dark" imagery. Try to shed some light on it. Give us more detail, or less; tell us a story or just say what's you wanna say. Right now, you're inhabiting this dangerous middle ground, giving us just enough information to lose interest.

Don't bother telling us what the song's about. It's more fun to let us try and figure it out

If this is your first time writing lyrics, then let me be the first to tell you: writing is a lot of fun and can be very (emotionally) rewarding, but it is also a lot of hard work. If this is something you want to get serious about, be prepared to practice writing a whole lot.
#4
Thanks a lot greyeyedfire for commenting. That helps a ton. Although the rhyming was not forced, I can see what you mean.
People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special place and burned - Sherlock Holmes


Your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass!

It's not like bullshit, more like poetry.