#1
Your beauty built a bridge
From my chorus to your verse.
Our love is sometimes harmonic
And others dissonant, but right.
You tremble from my tremelo
And crescendo in concert.
Last edited by Dillon_Kennedy at Nov 4, 2011,
#2
CORNY haha, so corny. But it was probably written from a place of sincerity, and hopefully you have the soul for whom this was written. I would move "from" to the start of the 2nd line, and find a different way to word the sentiment of lines 3 and 4.
Also, "with" instead of "from" in the 5th line. This poem suffers from problems.
My two cents, keep it up.


edit: as you do not know me, I hope none of that came off ill-mannered. I just don't usually write/read love poems anymore and this one made me chuckle.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Nov 3, 2011,
#3
I mostly agree with this guy up top, except I would replace "corny" with "dawww(: that's so cute(: ", mostly because I'm emotionally comparable to a teenage girl.

But seriously, unless you have some very specific reason, -and "just so I can be different" doesn't count- don't break lines in the middle of a prepositional phrase. It interrupts flow and causes the reader to stumble. Otherwise, I like this.