#1
Devoured was the boy
winged in esoteric charm
from axes drawn to
axes hack, a newborn. Extirpated out of
dreaming on the back of Pegasus.
Your limbs start to drive and drive
and percuss on its belly in
disconsulate rhythm.
It won't budge, no. You're too
distant from that. Just a
cringe-worthy step forward
but only out of volition.
Damned volition.
Nothing to take to the air (smokey air),
or to parade with on the streets (drunk streets).
Wail on and wail on and drive and percuss and
drive, percuss, over and over but it won't budge.
It won't budge.
It won't budge.
Deference with your decline is a must.
Or maybe not.
Or maybe so.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Nov 11, 2011,
#2
I sure hope you wrote this on paper first, because I can just imagine this written in sloppy handwriting all over the page. The imagery is so elusive, and after reading twice, I still have no idea what it's about, but the personality was so bold. It was like listening to someone yell at me in a foreign language: I've no idea what you're saying, but I know you mean it.
#3
The thing I like about this is that it could easily fit into any genre. I can see it as a haunting sort of acoustic song, with a sparse arrangement, sung in a high voice, or as a very angry stoner metal song, like old Mastodon.
#5
Niiiiice. It's funny because it feels almost like the style is very similar to the piece you just read of mine. I mean, the tone itself is completely opposite, but the way it was written, the format, the repetition for emphasis. Really good piece.
You punched the highlights out of her hair. YOU PUNCHED THE HIGHLIGHTS OUT OF HER HAIR!!!
#8
haha yeah i have no idea what this is about. a part of me wishes i did, but then another part is happy that i don't because i find it pretty awesome as is.
here, My Dear, here it is
#10
disliked the bracketed bits, they felt overstated. also the second 'it won't budge'. they would be effective as spoken but as written they seem redundant. great great word choice here- the pegasus line really leapt out. percuss as well. it ebbs in some places and the end is a little vague, but for the most part this read really well. nicely executed.
#12
So, you're cutting poetry out of the belly of inspiration because it's unable to fly on its own? I had to work *really hard* to pull that out of this poem, but I suppose it's there.

Nice work?

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.