#1
I have not introduced myself to the board or anything, I JUST made my account and this is my first post. These lyrics I wrote, are about an ex girlfriend which left me months ago...but the pain is still immense, expecially since she got over me and has completely moved on with a totally different life it seems. Im hurting. Help me out guys! Thanks! They say the best way to write a song is with emotion over adversity, you know?

November 7, 2011

Verse 1:
Since the day you left me standing by myself, with nobody else
I have been discouraged about most everything
You seem to capture my thoughts, although your life has moved on
I have nobody to ask what to do in my place


(chorus)
Nothing ever lasts forever, but babe
I never wanted to see this pain of mine simmer,
You left me stranded and now I am stuck with you
In my thoughts until there is someone new

Verse 2:
Oh, well now love and hate, I never really did appreciate
The feeling of being desolate, trying to find a way to separate
My outlook on this beautiful world, can’t you escape my mind and
Try to blend in with the rest of the wind

(chorus)

Bridge:
The hardest part, are memories, and trying to confront the image of remembering
I never had the experience of moving forward after this kind of incident
It’s been long already, yes, I know,
It still hurts and seeing your state, my state of mind is not so great

(chorus)
#2
I usually don't enjoy any piece that's been split up into Verse, chorus etc. and even though some of this can really be more than cliche; it felt really honest. It puts the points out well and there doesn't seem to be any line here that's been put in there 'just for rhyme's sake' (which is something I've seen a lot of people do). However, I'm finding it hard to really fall in love with it.

Lookey here,

Quote by HeavensdooR

November 7, 2011

Verse 1:
Since the day you left me standing by myself, with nobody else I'm not sure why you've put that there, it just seems unnecessary
I have been discouraged about most everything
You seem to capture my thoughts, although your life has moved on
I have nobody to ask what to do in my place

You can easily make a metaphor in the third line, something like "My thoughts encaged with your ghosts while yours chased butterflies" or something along those lines. I'm not suggesting you change it to that exact line (cause that was terrible) but start adding more metaphors to your piece.

(chorus)
Nothing ever lasts forever, but babe
I never wanted to see this pain of mine simmer,
You left me stranded and now I am stuck with you
In my thoughts until there is someone new

I didn't like the rhyme in the third and fourth line here. It's too obvious and is pretty cliche. In fact, the only line here I really enjoyed was the second one cause one of the words had put an 'image' in my head (simmer).

Verse 2:
Oh, well now love and hate, I never really did appreciate
The feeling of being desolate, trying to find a way to separate
My outlook on this beautiful world, can’t you escape my mind and
Try to blend in with the rest of the wind

There you go! A little metaphor there The first couple lines weren't as great as the next two though.

(chorus)

Bridge:
The hardest part, are memories, and trying to confront the image of remembering
I never had the experience of moving forward after this kind of incident
It’s been long already, yes, I know,
It still hurts and seeing your state, my state of mind is not so great

Really? "Incident"? I don't know, it seems like such a formal word. It's taking away from the honesty of this piece imo. I'm still uncertain about this stanza.

(chorus)


I'm going to be perfectly honest: It's not very good, however; I've stated this a couple times already but it felt truthful. And when you're honest your writing will not only improve but it'll be therapeutic in a way. I'd say you should definitely continue working on this piece and others. Keep writing man.