#1
Don't take to long now;
The day's always passing, you know?
The moment might slip on by.

Don't breath too deep now.
Little Hand never stops ticking, no.
Seconds you'll never get back.

Always running at double time,
On the edge of ten thousand deadlines,
Why the commotion? Life is in motion,
Just ride.

You try to Justify
Living by the rules line by line.
are you so programmed?

Where is your smile?
Like emotions are such a crime?
Life is more than a job.

Only you have the key to your cell,
live in the dimension outside your shell
step out of your noose, Let go and cut loose,
Just ride.

I'm kind of stuck with this. this is my first piece in awhile, and I would like some constructive guidance before I put any more effort into it.

Will C4C if one is desired.
#2
I think my favorite line is the "Little Hand never stops ticking, no," bit. It's the most concrete piece of the song, and really puts a good visual in my head.

If you can strive to put just one of those really concrete lines in every piece of verse, you'll have something awesome, because the best way breathe new life into a concept like this, is to put new imagery on it.
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#3
So i don't have much to say just that i really like it... it reminds me a lttle bit of rise against (biggest lyrical compliment i could give), but to me the "just ride" sounds a lttle cheesy.
#4
Quote by kaptkegan
I think my favorite line is the "Little Hand never stops ticking, no," bit. It's the most concrete piece of the song, and really puts a good visual in my head.


Thanks for such a fast reply, and thanks for the sound advice. Could you tell me what, in your opinion, makes that line concrete?

Quote by rjaylaf


So i don't have much to say just that i really like it... it reminds me a lttle bit of rise against (biggest lyrical compliment i could give), but to me the "just ride" sounds a lttle cheesy.


I agree, it does sound cheesy. That's one of those things I'm currently dissapointed with and working on.
#6
When I hear the ticking hand line, I imagine a clock. It's the only part where I get a clear image like that. I find the key for me to like a song I have written, is to have a clear image in my head. and then to describe it as best I can.
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My Tumblr: Lots of artist recommendations, album reviews, and ideas about music (as well as some film and bike stuff).

Go Sharks! Go Wings! Go Flyers! Go Kings!
#7
seems more like a poem than a song if anything. It is quite cheesy but i like it could work with a few more stanzas in the middle maybe, but the ending is just great
#9
I might have misunderstood the lines, but don't the first verses (1 and 2) contradict your point? I mean, you say theres not time to waste ("Seconds you'll never get back", etc) but then you say "Why the commotion? Life is in motion" suggests you should relax. Isnt that contradictory?

Also, i get the feeling the first half of the song and the second half talk about a different theme..

Again, i might have misunderstood the lyrics, im just giving my 2 cents :P

the last stanza really delivers a punch though, it's a great finisher :P