#1
Insoluble men and men with
wild undefined thoughts or
rampaging highs and lows.
Caressing coke over books
but he's already growing his
ivory stache and pearly eyes.
Let's go rape another baggie,
let's come to acceptance.
Have the freak flags fly.
Play, play and fondle and
love. Maybe one day we'll
grow old and wane to the bone
but not now.
Oh shit,
he's crashed. He's crashed.
Wrong shit wrong time wrong life.
The ****ing flag's charred
from The Pixies speakers and
the gazed burning crowd and what
immaculate apology can you give
a dead "man"?
I'm sorry.
A hoary vomit of words so insincere,
so insanely undeserved but your
tongue just keeps puking and puking
without breaths inbetween.
He'll wake up soon, just asleep.
He will.
Soon.
#2
Experiment further than alliteration - there are so many more sonic tricks available that alliteration and general discord and disorder. Excercise my tongue and mouth, I want to earn this read!

This felt a little angsty, too. Step back from the angst and reflect on the bigger picture. What effect does your angst have, say, on the blue bottle on the window? Probably would squish it. But on the butterfly by the stream? You'd let it fly, most likely. What does that say about you and this experience?
#3
Sorry I never noticed this.

Well, I don't know much sonic tricks other than alliteration and rhyme; but I'm sure to look it up now.

Also I'll do my best to step away from that. Thanks for the crit.
#4
China White.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Insoluble men and men with
wild undefined thoughts or
rampaging highs and lows.
Caressing coke over books
but he's already growing his
ivory stache and pearly eyes.
Let's go rape another baggie,
let's come to acceptance.
Have the freak flags fly.
Play, play and fondle and
love. Maybe one day we'll
grow old and wane to the bone
but not now.
Oh shit,
he's crashed. He's crashed.
Wrong shit wrong time wrong life.
The ****ing flag's charred
from The Pixies speakers and
the gazed burning crowd and what
immaculate apology can you give
a dead "man"?
I'm sorry.
A hoary vomit of words so insincere,
so insanely undeserved but your
tongue just keeps puking and puking
without breaths inbetween.
He'll wake up soon, just asleep.
He will.
Soon.



interesting title with China White. caught my attention so i decided to take a look at this piece. my first thought before looking at it was about cocaine and mafia stuff.

reading it sounds like a trainwreck with the narrator is describing. sounds like its taken place in a terrestrial setting. deep thoughts about highs and lows from lust, greed, coke, money, etc. i enjoy the thought process overall because its seems oringinal. outbursts with thoughts and turrets feeling inside.

sound setting i get is from a particular pixie song. but with the randomness in this enviroment it may be proper.

towards the end, the party is over and the sickness sets in. vomit, puking, and eventually going to sleep. it seems like one hell of an experience. overall i like this piece.
#7
I dislike the sarcastiquotes on "man." Seems like there must be a more elegant, poetic way to achieve this effect without cheapening it.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#8
Thanks for the crits guys, I admit that heroin is fantastic; however I'm not always gonna write about it in a positive way.

Well, that's gonna be a little difficult to find so for now I'll keep it that way. I'll revise it tonight and see what happens.

Anyone want me to say anything on their pieces? Link them please.
#9
Quote by Jammydude44
Experiment further than alliteration - there are so many more sonic tricks available that alliteration and general discord and disorder. Excercise my tongue and mouth, I want to earn this read!

This felt a little angsty, too. Step back from the angst and reflect on the bigger picture. What effect does your angst have, say, on the blue bottle on the window? Probably would squish it. But on the butterfly by the stream? You'd let it fly, most likely. What does that say about you and this experience?



What alliteration? Do you know what alliteration means?
Last edited by JustRooster at Nov 30, 2011,