#1
This is only my secound piece i feel is good enough to share. Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated and of course c4c.


Black hole spiralling out of control
Showing me no mercy consuming my soul
Black hole spiralling sucking me in
Deeper and deeper no saviour for me

today's not a good day for me
Struggling to hold on my grip failing
Forever sinking further and further
With a heavy heart I'm falling

Time stands still as I cross the event horizon
Stars fade from existence before my eyes
As the Endless darkness encircles me
The warmth of our sun is but a distant memory

The darkness steals the light from my heart
In this blackness my daemons dwell
As my loneliness tears me apart
I suffer endlessly in this internal hell

As I wallow in my self pity it occurs to me
This gravity I can't escape
Could this be the end of me ?
Lost in limbo forever falling
Further from reality
#2
I like it, it's not cliche like a lot of stuff people (including me) write. On the other hand "Gravity" is a John Mayer song.
#3
maybe a few unnecessary words (rephrase to condense a line) but otherwise I'm even more depressed now so I suppose the words did their job ..
#4
Quote by lonestar09
This is only my secound piece i feel is good enough to share. Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated and of course c4c.


Black hole spiralling out of control
Showing me no mercy consuming my soul
Black hole spiralling sucking me in
Deeper and deeper no saviour for me

today's not a good day for me
Struggling to hold on my grip failing
Forever sinking further and further
With a heavy heart I'm falling

Time stands still as I cross the event horizon
Stars fade from existence before my eyes
As the Endless darkness encircles me
The warmth of our sun is but a distant memory

The darkness steals the light from my heart
In this blackness my daemons dwell
As my loneliness tears me apart
I suffer endlessly in this internal hell

As I wallow in my self pity it occurs to me
This gravity I can't escape
Could this be the end of me ?
Lost in limbo forever falling
Further from reality


Bold parts are amazing lyrics
Underlined parts are not.

Let me break it down:
"Struggling to hold on my grip failing"
Slightly clumsy, could be rephrased to sound smoother.

"as the Endless darkness encircles me"
the term 'encircles' just doesn't seem to fit. It may sound better with music, but I think a different word like 'spirals' or 'surrounds'.

"In this blackness my daemons dwell"
I live in the US, so I don't know what a daemon is, I'm assuming demon. The lyrics doesn't really fit with the tone of the verse.

"I suffer endlessly in this eternal hell"
not that bad, but again, it could be rephrased to be smoother. "Endless torture in this creeping darkness" or something like that. of course the ryhme scheme has to match...

"Lost in limbo, forever falling"
I just don't know what that means.


Hope I helped! Rate my song?
http://t.co/ekS5Ry5
#5
Kinda reminds of some Whoracle-era In Flames or Scar Symmetry lyrics. Liking the spacey imagery in connection with the depressing overall tone. In general quite good stuff, but I'd suggest you actually read up on some astronomic and physics terms. It's gonna help you with coming up with better metaphors etc.
Also, I'd change some the lines a little bit. F.ex:
I think "Stars fade from existence before my very eyes" sounds better. It's a minor change but still.
Also "In this blackness my daemons dwell" could be changed for example to "The pitch black part of my soul that daemons inhabit" or something like that.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1494470
Gear:
Electric
2008 Epiphone G400 Heritage CherryFUBAR
2008 Ibanez GRG 170 DX
2009 Cort KX1Q
2011 LTD H 351 NT
Randall RG 50 TC
Ernie Ball 11-54
Acoustic
Dean Markley
Dunlop 10's
#6
Yep I would definitely agree with gateway01.

Also, the phrase "today's not a good day for me" just sticks out. Why are you telling me that you're having a bad day? Isn't obvious by your imagery? Scrap that.

I think once you can step back from whatever negative inspiration you experienced (which is totally necessary to have for a piece like this so don't take me wrong!) and take a breath or two, you'll be ready to finish this.
Sometimes these things need to be written in different perspectives to properly convey your complex emotions. Does that make sense?
In the end, I would advise starting fresh and writing a new piece based around the lines gateway01 bolded.
Good luck!

Care to return the favor? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=28525546#post28525546