#1
I'm sorry I haven't been around for so long! Please let me know if any of you have posted something that I just have to see!!

As I make myself reacquainted with the neighborhood, would you leave a insightful note?
Any suggestions for a title would also be appreciated. This is simply poetry, not lyrics.


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I look over a field of priceless worth
My hands bound by my lingering youth
Movement commanded to restrain
While my heart struggles to be free

Required to reason with maturity
To make wise decisions with responsibility
Yet dusk settles over my weary mind
Still bound by my childish form

I escaped once before,
When he took advantage of my unlearned soul
The ground left me shaking
The sky abandoned its color
And when I awakened I emerged with uncertain sorrow.
Nothing to console a stolen love...

Yet the memory faded with her pain
And her eyes began searching once more
Despite her fall
Knowing well it could happen again

Still bound, others would take notice
But she couldn't escape the bindings of tender time
Wondering when she will be loved

Wondering how long the promise of the field would stay
Stretching out with a blanket of city lights
Into the haze where dreams disappear

So she waits.
A flower of sixteen waiting to be awakened
To add her beauty to the others of the field

Nothing has changed, nothing has been earned, nothing has been won
Except for the respect of the reasoning
Oh to trade it for a moment of forbidden love!
#2
First thank you for you view on my song, much appreciated!

I really like the imagery you've used in this piece.
The line "Stretching out with a blanket of city lights
Into the haze where dreams disappear" is pure genius!

The only part that doesn't really sit well with me is the change from first to third person view. I feel that disrupted the flow, for me it would be be better for her to finnish the story if you get my meaning?
Overall thou it's a strong piece.
#4
Quote by leilalauren
Hmmm.....i wanted to have that perspective change from 1st to 3rd to show the passage of time, but perhaps it is ineffective?


You'll always have trouble switching person and tense in a piece without a really concrete transition. The unfortunate laws of the way we process info.

The imagery is beautiful though, and the imagery and tone stay really consistent. It's got that melancholy that's tough to capture without coming across as emo.

Also, and this is purely my opinion, I think you could end it 1 stanza earlier. I think you've already captured what you want to say in the last stanza, and it comes out a little heavy-handed in my opinion. If you feel that you need to say what you say there, maybe come at it from a little different angle. "Forbidden fingertips touch" or something.

Great overall though. Awesome, really.

EDIT: I think its really just the last line that throws me. Again, try some other things there and see if they fit. Or leave it, but know that at least for me, it breaks the tone of the piece. Not necessarily bad, but should be a conscious, known choice.
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Last edited by kaptkegan at Nov 15, 2011,
#5
I think it's great. (By the way, thank you for the crit on my song!) However, the change of POV is a bit sudden. maybe a slow change, not mentioning any words like "I" or "he/she/they..." for one stanza or so. I'm not a poet though, I'm a song writer.
#6
to me... the change of 1st to 3rd is effective in some ways... but not at all in others... so you could keep it, and i dont mind it tbh but its not what i think its what you think as well as what others think
woodery9896

electro-acoustic guitar player
(looking for band in or near rayleigh - essex - UK)
#7
I'm sorry it took so long to get back at you, but I've been pretty busy lately.
I don't have much to say about this.
I enjoyed reading it although I have some remarks.

I'd prefer 'awoke' instead of awaken, it's just more natural to me. I would have used either 'awoke' or 'was awaken' here.

I liked how you used third person instead of first person, but I don't like that being done so often. It loses effect IMHO.

Other than that, I don't have anything to say. You did a good job here!
#8
Something about the diction made this feel emotionally dettached.
Like its being More narrated and observed than experienced. This works well (or is maybe highlighted by) the tense change.
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