#1
I’ve scoured these hallways,
Walked down these steps,
Seen all the sorrow they bring.

I’ve trudged through every canal in the West,
Imploring the seasons to swing.

With every descent,
Into another day’s grasp,
We give up the last of ourselves.

The fog only drowns out the clear April air,
And we’re left to lament wasted years.

We live in misery by day,
And Paris by night,
The Parisian tunnels await,
Everything will be alright.

I spent the night peering through frosted windows,
You swore you’d be waiting outside.

But I can’t waste decades,
Counting the days,
Hoping for love to arrive.

Walk on by.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
Last edited by andychalmers102 at Nov 15, 2011,
#2
Nice piece! I always enjoy your style.

Question: shouldn't there be a "down" between scoured and hallways? And it's just a suggestion, but if you fit another "down" in that third line you'd have a very nice case of parallelism.

I drifted along quite contentedly until the sixth and seventh stanzas. It seems like there's an idea missing in-between the them and the preceding verses....it felt like you were setting up a story, then gave me the ending without a climax.
Also, I know the last line is brief for emphasis, but for the aforementioned reason, it leaves me dissatisfied.

But in any case, I thoroughly enjoyed it and I thank you for the great read.

If you'd be so obliged... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=28525546#post28525546
#3
Are you talking about the catacombs beneath Paris? If so, that is really badass.

I imagined it sung in death growls, and it seemed to flow pretty well. I'm a bit drunk right now, so there is that, but I thought those lyrics were pretty cool.

IMO you should listen to leilalauren's opinion, but I can't emphasize the fact that I am drunk enough, so... yeah.
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#4
Wow. I really like that piece. Not my normal favorite style, but damned good. The only part that struck me as out of place (and not stylistically bad, mind you) was the stanza beginning with "I spent the night peering through frosted windows."

For some reason, in amongst this warm imagery of "seasons," "canals," "Paris," and "April," the "frosted windows" struck me as odd.
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#5
Thanks for the feedback guys. If anyones interested, I've recorded a rough version. I think the lyrics make more sense in the context of the music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EwzjVI_deA

leilalauren: I'll get onto your piece ASAP

JimDawson: Yeah its about the catacombs. Good work picking up on that

kaptkegan: I get what you're saying about "frosted windows" line feeling out of place amognst the warmer imagery. I'll consider changing it
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
#6
Just watched it. Though it's a very rough recording like you said, I really enjoyed it. Lyrically, I still think it still needs to be fleshed out somewhere in between your two ideas, but hearing the melody definitely helped it's cohesiveness.