#1
This is a poem that could become a song.

I wrote this at about 5 am last night when I couldn't sleep. It's about a man who becomes lost in the Middle East, around the year 1300 AD. He struggles to connect with this world that is unknown to him, longing to return to his family.

Persia

I've been kept here for so long
foreign land of wind and sand
my footprints tattoo the earth
a ripple in an ocean of eternity

my skin is dried and cracked
from all of these cold nights
followed by mornings of heat
burning, blistering, red sunrise

I can't keep my thoughts clear
Mania spreads inside me like
a disease, unforgiving, unkind
all my memories lost and gone

the great vast expanse
calls my soul to dance
I wish I could respond
I just don't know how

sandy dunes are my only friends
all alone in this forsaken desert
armed to the teeth, I'm waiting
for silence to strike in the night

like a sharp blade to the heart
quiet now, listen for the wind
the plague rides its tailcoats
coming to drag me to Hades

home awaits day in, day out
my family prays that I'm safe
dreams of someday returning
and finding my old self again

the great vast expanse
calls my soul to dance
I wish I could respond
I just don't know how


Crit for Crit, I really appreciate it.
#3
not bad stuff, just not too evocative. i'd love to see more when i read it, or feel more. it doesn't dig much deeper than the surface.

like i said though, not bad
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me