#1
Hey there.

This is my first attempt at writing lyrics, so i'm pretty sure this will suck hard, brace yourselves!!

English is not my mother tongue, although i consider i speak it rather fluently. But it might be hard some times to find the right words.

I'm also sure this theme or whatever you want to call it has been done 10000 times this week alone, i wasnt aiming at a award-winning song (although i wouldn't mind :P)

There isn't a lot of rhyming either, i tried but failed miserably so i just left it this way :P

----------
Verse 1:
Sour thoughts fill my mind
So much more than I can handle
Struggling with sadness and despair
I feel no hope just misery

Chorus:
Pain and Sorrow
Utter agony
Will crush my soul
Will rip my soul

Faceless figures
Chained illusions
Drive me insane
Make me insane

Verse 2:
Twisted thoughts fill my mind
I'm going crazy, I'm going mad
I've lost my faith In myself
All that remains Is emptiness

Verse 3:
There's a void In my soul
A hurting desire to break free
Have I met my true fate
Is death my way out of this hell

Bridge:
My life feels meaningless
I can't overcome this infernal anguish
Completely helpless I am alone
Why can't I just escape
------

After the bridge there's a solo, picking up on the prolongued "free", maybe an instrumental Outro and that's it. There's also a few instrumental breaks in between verse and chorus and a couple other neat stuff, but as far as vocals go, this is it. The structure is a bit more elaborate than it shows above, but, again, i just wanted to post the lyrics here.

The instrumental for this song is similar to 3 Days Grace or Soil style ( ) in Bm. This, as the lyrics, isn't set in stone anyway :P

Any ideas, thoughts, comments, critics, directions ?
Last edited by kavorkian- at Dec 2, 2011,
#2
Capitalize your i's.
Otherwise, very depressing concept. If that's what you were going for, you're bang on.
Originally Posted by Azbats63
I'm the only white guy in a band in El Paso. My bandmates call me El Diablo Blanco. They tell me it means "trusted friend."
#3
That was indeed my point, cheers :P

PS: "Capitalize your i's." don't know if i got what you meant, check now :P
#4
Yeah you got it.
Originally Posted by Azbats63
I'm the only white guy in a band in El Paso. My bandmates call me El Diablo Blanco. They tell me it means "trusted friend."
#6
Quote by chminee
That's cool!...


thanks mate

i was afraid it would be too much "cliche" or whatever..

i have the whole guitar part laid out, just need to show it to the drummer and bassist to get it 100% done

i'll try to upload it somewhere
#7
Wow dude seriously down and out stuff, which as you said is what your aiming for and you nailed it. Kinda wanna give you a hug right about now though, and a cup of tea.
#8
Quote by Drodan
Wow dude seriously down and out stuff, which as you said is what your aiming for and you nailed it. Kinda wanna give you a hug right about now though, and a cup of tea.



thanks for your comment man

as i said, i'll try to upload the guitar track, been kind of swamped with college stuff lately.. =/
#9
it's probably an advantage for you that English is not your first language :-)
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#10
Quote by girlgerms007
it's probably an advantage for you that English is not your first language :-)


how come? x)
#11
brilliant for a first timer... that can go places....
woodery9896

electro-acoustic guitar player
(looking for band in or near rayleigh - essex - UK)
#12
Quote by girlgerms007
it's probably an advantage for you that English is not your first language :-)
This is not how this forum works. Learn to critique properly or do not at all.
#13
Quote by AngryGoldfish
This is not how this forum works. Learn to critique properly or do not at all.


AngryGoldfish
With all due respect,
Perhaps providing some guidance on where to look to learn how to "properly critique" rather than just thoughtlessly grunting at her would work better? After Looking through her other posts on this section of the forum, I was able to find only one "critique" longer than a sentence or two. Seems as though she would benefit from reading the "Critique Advice" thread. I'll be glad to post a link for her. I'm not trying to be offensive, just offering a humble suggestion. I appreciate your part in this messageboard.

Girlgerms, There's some sound advice at the bottom of this post regarding critique style. I found it helpful and made me think about aspects of critiquing that aren't quick to come to mind. I've found that following some of the guidelines listed here improve my critique, and the writer's understanding of my thoughts. I've also noticed that the "C4Cers" leave a much more thoughtful critique if I leave such a criqique on their piece. Anyway, check it out. see what ya think.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/announcement.php?f=7&announcementid=128

----------------------

Now for an appropriate and well deserved critique.

Verse 1:
Sour thoughts fill my mind.
So much more than I can handle;
Struggling with sadness and despair.
I feel no hope just misery.

I changed "struggle" to the verb "struggling".

Verse 1 opens the song well. Honestly, I don't mind that this lacks a rhyming element to it. Rhyme can be good, but it also tends to limit the writer if not kept in balance. After reading this verse several times I like it without the rhyme. It fits together well and it's not awkward for me to read. Naturally, I want to pause between "I feel no hope" and "just misery". I'm not sure if you had a pause in mind or not.



Chorus:
Pain and Sorrow,
arrant agony,
Will crush my soul.
Will rip my soul.

I feel like this half of the chorus is kind of mindlessly put together. For me, it seems as if this was not as thought out as the verses are. I personally don't like the word "utter", so I replaced it a suggestion. That's just my opinion. If you like it, then by all means keep it.

Faceless figures,
Chained illusions,
Drive me insane.
Make me insane.

This stanza, however, I love. I would say it's the strongest part of the piece. I love the use of consonance as seen in "Faceless figures", and I think "chain illusions" reiterates it well. Again, this rolls off the tongue naturally and is not forced, or awkward. Well done.

Verse 2:
Twisted thoughts fill my mind.
I'm going crazy, I'm going mad.
I've lost my faith In myself.
All that remains Is emptiness.

I corrected the spelling of emptiness.
You lost me at the last line. How can their be emptiness, when your mind is full of
"twisted thoughts", "faceless figures", and "chained illusions"? That doesn't work for me, but if you like it, you shouldn't change it.



Verse 3:
There's a void In my soul.
A hurting desire to break free.
Have I met my true fate?
Is death my way out of this hell?

I can't say much here. I like this one. I don't see anything that I would change.

Bridge:
My life feels meaningless.
I Can't overcome this infernal anguish
Completely helpless, I am alone.
Why can't I just break free?

I added the the pronoun "I".
Once again, the last line doesn't do it for me. I feel like "break free" is as cliche as it gets. Seems like everyone(including myself) have worked that phrase into their lyrics or poems one way or another. I will not make a suggestion on what to put in it's place because I feel like that would be putting words in your mouth. Earlier, I changed the form of a word, and added some words, but that's different.

I liked the simplicity of the lines. They're weren't too lengthy and they weren't wordy. I think that they could have been more descriptive, but that will come with practice.

I added punctuation to the lyrics. I'm aware that what I added may not be grammatically correct, but I feel like it adds personality and emphasis where it is due.

4-line stanzas are not nessecarily a bad thing, but they are over-used.
I think you could write a more effective song if you were to steer away from the 4-line stanza in the future.

Overall, considering this is your first lyrical project, well done! I admire your ability to use the english language with it being secondary to your first language. If you had not mentioned it, I would have never known you weren't naturally an english speaker/writer. Keep writing. You'll learn your style, you're vocabulary will increase, your concepts will get better. You have great potential and I will be watching for your next post.


Last edited by anowilisgvyona at Nov 26, 2011,
#14
I'm tired of posting the Critique Advice thread. I even put a sticky up for two months explaining where to go if you need help with it. It's not like it's hidden away or anything.

I snapped at her and didn't respond with another link to the Critique Advice thread because her post was incredibly snarky and I was tempted to warn her for it.

But you're right, I should not let my disappointment get the better of me. Next time I should just straight-up warn them and send them the link.
#15
Quote by anowilisgvyona

----------------------

Now for an appropriate and well deserved critique.

Verse 1:
Sour thoughts fill my mind.
So much more than I can handle;
Struggling with sadness and despair.
I feel no hope just misery.

I changed "struggle" to the verb "struggling".

Verse 1 opens the song well. Honestly, I don't mind that this lacks a rhyming element to it. Rhyme can be good, but it also tends to limit the writer if not kept in balance. After reading this verse several times I like it without the rhyme. It fits together well and it's not awkward for me to read. Naturally, I want to pause between "I feel no hope" and "just misery". I'm not sure if you had a pause in mind or not.



Chorus:
Pain and Sorrow,
arrant agony,
Will crush my soul.
Will rip my soul.

I feel like this half of the chorus is kind of mindlessly put together. For me, it seems as if this was not as thought out as the verses are. I personally don't like the word "utter", so I replaced it a suggestion. That's just my opinion. If you like it, then by all means keep it.

Faceless figures,
Chained illusions,
Drive me insane.
Make me insane.

This stanza, however, I love. I would say it's the strongest part of the piece. I love the use of consonance as seen in "Faceless figures", and I think "chain illusions" reiterates it well. Again, this rolls off the tongue naturally and is not forced, or awkward. Well done.

Verse 2:
Twisted thoughts fill my mind.
I'm going crazy, I'm going mad.
I've lost my faith In myself.
All that remains Is emptiness.

I corrected the spelling of emptiness.
You lost me at the last line. How can their be emptiness, when your mind is full of
"twisted thoughts", "faceless figures", and "chained illusions"? That doesn't work for me, but if you like it, you shouldn't change it.



Verse 3:
There's a void In my soul.
A hurting desire to break free.
Have I met my true fate?
Is death my way out of this hell?

I can't say much here. I like this one. I don't see anything that I would change.

Bridge:
My life feels meaningless.
I Can't overcome this infernal anguish
Completely helpless, I am alone.
Why can't I just break free?

I added the the pronoun "I".
Once again, the last line doesn't do it for me. I feel like "break free" is as cliche as it gets. Seems like everyone(including myself) have worked that phrase into their lyrics or poems one way or another. I will not make a suggestion on what to put in it's place because I feel like that would be putting words in your mouth. Earlier, I changed the form of a word, and added some words, but that's different.

I liked the simplicity of the lines. They're weren't too lengthy and they weren't wordy. I think that they could have been more descriptive, but that will come with practice.

I added punctuation to the lyrics. I'm aware that what I added may not be grammatically correct, but I feel like it adds personality and emphasis where it is due.

4-line stanzas are not nessecarily a bad thing, but they are over-used.
I think you could write a more effective song if you were to steer away from the 4-line stanza in the future.

Overall, considering this is your first lyrical project, well done! I admire your ability to use the english language with it being secondary to your first language. If you had not mentioned it, I would have never known you weren't naturally an english speaker/writer. Keep writing. You'll learn your style, you're vocabulary will increase, your concepts will get better. You have great potential and I will be watching for your next post.




Thanks a BIG lot for your comment, it was truly helpful

1 - "Struggle" to "Struggling" does change it in my head, i feel it comes out smoother, cheers

2 - I didn't image a pause in there, although i guess that could work out

3 - About the chorus. I originally thought of it with the second part first. I should introduce some "background" to the song. I wanted to make the song sort like a story, it starts somewhere and ends somewhere else, in my head it was going from feeling sad to suicidal, with the madness (imagining things, twisted thoughts, etc) in between. The chorus, as i originally wrote it, was "backwards", i.e. it started with the insane part (i associated it with suicidal or something close to it) and ended with the soul crushing thing (that i associate more with sadness), so i decided to post it here in reverse.

Maybe if you try reading it "upside down" it will make more sense to you, dont know. I gotta say, it might have been a bit "forced" :P

As for "utter" it does make an impact on me, and i didn't know the word "arrant" :P After reading it, i still think "utter" delivers more of a punch, in my opinion of course.

4 - The emptIness (sorry for my spelling mistake :P) thing, i meant it to feel like the "void in my soul" , as in everything was sucked out. I understand it might not make much sense, i could (and probably will :P) give it a bit more work.

5 - That was what i was afraid of, cliche's :P It does however, at least in my mind, fit well with the theme / direction of the lyrics. Would "escape" sound less cliche? :P Feel free to make a suggestion about that, please do actually

Overall, i do need much much more practice, and hopefully it will come I got another two lyrics in the making, i'll try to input some of your advice into them

I do feel "dragged" to the 4-line thing, i guess its because i know nothing of poetry x) I will "force" myself into different "arrangements" (am i using that correctly here?)

Again, thanks for your helpful and warm comment, i really appreciate it

You'll be the first to know whenever i get my new stuff online. A "warning" though, it's a totally different theme :P Which actually brings me to another thing i wanted to mention.
I'm writing (or trying) a few songs that are supposed to make up a small album. What i thought of doing is making it like i intended to make this song, to tell a story, going from a place to another place. This song would probably be around the end, considering it's sense of impending doom (at least i get that image :P).

But im overextending now, THANKS again