#1
listless wishes on white evenings hidden in the pockets of
winter coats stitched and restitched, lined and re-lined with
leaves and twigs and whatever i could find. the quiet
conversations in different corners of different rooms leaves me
blue around the edges, yet i patch the sky with limbs i hide,
soak the snow with tales i tie to memories created in the
most mysterious parts of my mind.

sylvia, you are not a ghost,
though i wouldn't mind if you were. i'd wear a white sheet
over my head to make you feel less alone in your mysterious
ghostly world.

the lighthouse is just a lazy ship inhabited by a
lazy sailor. the one on cape calahanda, you know, where i once
cut my lip on someone else's fist, where i slipped my hand up
into your slip, where other things have happened over and
over again.

near lantern light there's a
shadow of outer space,
the clouds are just the skirt hiding the navel of the sky,
you say,
it's a blue, blue moon,
it's a midnight afternoon.
love-less is the sea,
no mistress,
no misery.
i want to tell you my secrets in a
whisper so quietly,
i want to forge an invitation to your
celebration of life after childhood.
i'm sorry for telling you all my dreams.
how boring that must be,
but the sea air hurts my mind all of the time,
tell me, what does that mean?
#4
ooh, lazy ship/lazy sailor, nice. "all of the time" in the last line tripped up the ending in my opinion. Felt you had more to say then you did and thus felt this could have been three times the length and not lost any impact. Like you were on a roll then stopped. I think you should have the confidence by now to write longer, sustained verse. Would be mighty impressive if you did.
#5
leaves should be leave in first stanza. I thought the second stanza was a bit too wordy and simplistic. it's like an interlude in your elocution. wouldn't say it's a good thing.

other than that, the rhytmic is damn impressive. I am not just returning a comment here, I like how I see you in the writing from reading you previously, although you strayed from your usual format (at least last year's and before...)

i know the feeling of what you're saying. I like how this piece kind of just floats around after you read it. I understand jamie's comment, what was a weakness for him is kind of a strenght for me, I would say.

writing so good for so long, I missed the talents of this place. thanks for this.
#6
i've missed you around here (though I'm not around too often anymore I guess). this isn't one of my better pieces lately, i'm just trying to get into writing again. i appreciate the words.