#1
Ready Steady Deady

My trousers
drag along the broken bones
And I
still hold wieght over those
old and alone
old and alone
old and alone

And I,
can't stand to bear
the sight.
And I,
wont ever see
the light.

I might as well
give up running.
Im never going to cheat.
I'll never win at all
When im in a 100m sprint
with death
and I got a false start.

My heart feels
kind of heavy,
it seems im growing old.

And I,
can't stand to bear
the sight.
And I,
wont ever see
the light.
#2
Cliche...boring... not very good.

I tell it as I see it.
Not exactly a frequent poster.
#3
Er...Thanks I guess.

EDIT: In fact, i'm not going to let this go.

Could you point out the clichés please ? I really can't find any in this. And i'm usually the first one to admit it when one of my songs just screams cliché. If anything, i'd like to think its counter-cliché. Most songs, dealing with the topic of death, seem to be about pining over death, wanting to die, blah, blah, blah etc...however, this is more about not wanting to die, the fear of dying, and growing old. I mean, i'm open to criticism. But that really wasn't. More like a word assasination.
Last edited by ultrasonic at Nov 18, 2011,
#5
Cliches are not always bad, as long as you mix it up. I liked most of it except the 100 m sprint bit.
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Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

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#6
Cliche wise, the chorus sounded like something I've heard, and read many times before. The first verse was pretty good actually. I can see those repeated lines working pretty well. The third verse starts out ok, but it kind of falls apart at the hundred-meter sprint part; those lines, in my mind, contradict the feel of the rest of the lyrics, in that they're giving me the vibe of a strange indie-type song. The pre-chorus isn't bad. Then there's another chorus, which I already said I'm not a fan of.

There you go. I would have expanded sooner, but I just got on here a little while ago. Good luck with all your future writing endeavors.
Not exactly a frequent poster.