#1
Just something that spewed out of me, I think it's really the first not-terrible lyrics I've written in over a year (being in a stable relationship was bad for my creativity, I need to feel like crap to be able to think of anything). That said, it's 2:15 AM and I just wrote this so I really am in no shape to judge its merit.

Any feedback is appreciated, I can't promise proper critiques because my schedule is absurd right now but if you give me a link I'll at least check out your stuff and if I can think of any (brain farts are near constant these days), I'll give you some feedback.


Float by
A dream
Of possessive you and desired me
Are you
Make believe
Or is my imagination reality?

If once we thought we knew what we could see
Then maybe everything was
Just imaginary
your thoughts of me were only in my head
and I knew that all along

or did I know what I was thinking when I told you that I loved you
I don’t know
Why did I say that stupid shit at 1 AM on Monday
I don’t know

Well **** the world I’ll go out burning in a cloud of smoke and yearning for your touch every second of every moment of every lifetime.
These dreams won’t stand still I gotta grab them and if I don’t I’ll never have them and I’ll never forgive myself for letting them all turn to dust

Nothing
In between
The injured you and the savior me
the blood
from my veins
tastes of longing and pain

Well **** the world I’ll go out burning in a cloud of smoke and yearning for your touch every second of every moment of every lifetime.
These dreams won’t stand still I gotta grab them and if I don’t I’ll never have them and I’ll never forgive myself for letting them all turn to dust


Or would I because
what if the world caught fire tonight?
What if our dreams were the sparks that set it alight?
What if the flames were the brightest of bright
What if our love was the death of being alive
And what if it was?
Would you still hold me like you do in my dreams?
Would you still tell me a whisper of a longing of a passion
Like a fist in the air screaming in the quietest voice
The truth even if it hurts
Even if it cuts out my heart and I realize:

Insomniac dreaming is the only way I’ve ever known you.
#2
I think the words and the intensity are there but it needs judicious editing. Also, you are missing an opportunity with the asterisks. There are many worthy adjectives out there!
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#3
That's fair enough. Looking at it now with some sleep behind me, I can see some spots where it could get some serious editing. I like how the rhythm falls apart at the end (I'm going to have the music drop out there) but the rhythm feels off on the second section, it could use some tightening up there. I agree with the F-bombs as well, those I think are just fill ins for words I couldn't think of at 1 AM.