#1
i wrote this about GOD

I thought i heard you whisper
softly in my ear which means your a ghost
i couldnt help but notice the demons in the room
feeding off my stupid energy

i never said i loved you
you did
i never said i wanted you
you did
i can't burn for you
though i know i still burn

i couldnt help but feel, you tug on my mind
search for joy that i cant find
every sound and stutter, that protrudes from my lips
begs for nothing more than, to die

i never said i loved you
you did
i never said i wanted you
you did
i can't burn for you
though i know i still burn

i looked inside your conscience
im so sorry for what they did to you
#3
I think the ghost line is a bit long, but i like the sound of the last two lines :-) Interesting
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#4
it sucks that you named it fire. if this ever gets published, everyone is going to overlook it on iTunes because all of Jimi Hendrix's "Fire" songs will pop up.
The Overflow+READ=zombies.

"if the individual has the right to govern himself, all external government is tyranny." -Benjamin R Tucker
#5
Quote by PattiWiles
i wrote this about GOD

I thought i heard you whisper
softly in my ear which means your a ghost
i couldnt help but notice the demons in the room
feeding off my stupid energy

I would change "which means you're a ghost". It's too vague. Why does that mean this "you" is a ghost? My only other problem is the word "stupid" in the last line; it sounds immature, and there are a hundred words that would sound better there.

i never said i loved you
you did
i never said i wanted you
you did
i can't burn for you
though i know i still burn

Although this stanza is a bit simplistic, it reads well. The only line I don't like is the last one. I suggest rewording it.

i couldnt help but feel, you tug on my mind
search for joy that i cant find
every sound and stutter, that protrudes from my lips
begs for nothing more than, to die

I don't like the commas; they distract from the flow and would be well replaced by line breaks. Otherwise, this stanza is nice.

i never said i loved you
you did
i never said i wanted you
you did
i can't burn for you
though i know i still burn

i looked inside your conscience
im so sorry for what they did to you

These two lines are amazing. There's such an emotional punch to the last line.


It needs a good edit, but this is a great draft. I dig it.
#6
I think this last guy is spot on, possibly change the "which means youre a ghost" to "though youre just a ghost" and put it on a new line. I really liked the chorus but the last line does need work, or you could just get rid of it all together.

yeah and the ending pwns
#7
dude/dude-ette JESUS LOVES YOU! no matter what u think Jesus loves you. God sent him to die for your sins and mine. Nobody's perfect_ peace out

signiture= my blog series-epic