#1
you stayed silent that evening
eyes searching for distraction with the greatest effort
lids heavy with thoughts you hoped would evaporate

'are you alright?'
i asked you to hold me
i asked you to kiss me
i asked you to want me
you held my ballerina hands at a distance
like delicate reeds, like curtains in an empty house
(i had been gnawing at my fingers and
hoped you hadn't notice)
you told me you had the propensity to be hurt now
i had the ability to hurt you now
and it was something you had to swallow


i am hurt now and my fingers bleed
from chewing at what i couldn't swallow
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
me too.

those line breaks between the second and third parts are the most important part of this, i feel.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#4


thanks guys. let me know if you'd like me to crit anything
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
I think you knew you'd sucker everyone in with the last line. hence the line breaks, and, for me, a relatively weaker piece before it. the first three lines feel really uninspired, there's no desire to really be poetic - it's a little tedious narration. "thoughts you'd hope would evaporate" is the faux-deep, shallow phrase you seemed shot of the last time I read you. it's one of those lines where the vagueness kills it, an apparent deep sentence that is never addressed. those thoughts aren't even addressed in the piece again, the piece is about you and your feelings. it's a throwaway set up. the middle is a bit more of what I expect from you (the two 'hurt' lines a vintage bullet-twist), but it's all a bit of a muddle and the weak opening doesn't help define the meaning, it distills it. (conclusion, I disagree with the above two comments and thought I'd elaborate as to why.)
#6
i think the beginning wasn't much new in the image and emotion department and that hurts it most and that makes it a little more dull BUT once again i think you are writing with more composure (I throw that word around too much but I mean something along the lines of how it moves and holds together) and it sounds good. I enjoyed this a lot. I think some major changes could make it much stronger and i agree the first bit isn't doing enough but I'm glad to read a poem that doesn't try to do hold too much. Just fill it up
heartemote&c.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
thanks so much for the feedback. I trust you guys to be fair with me and i can count on it. I feel as though I've forgotten how to write and this piece was more of an exercise than anything
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja