#1
Haven't written anything in a while so I did this short poem.
Sorry for any errors.
C4C


Nights spent, mind split, severed from everything.
Fog bled from dying breaths, waiting on a winter love.

Frostbit finger tips.
Thoughts recede and time collects
in youth's waters and the tiny locket
close to you and warm.

A white washed backdrop, Blacked out lifeblood.
Heart beats cold, but still beats the same.
#2
i like this little number on the whole you pay real attention to the essence of poetry, and its in general a sweet little ditty. yet for me what you have here is just that too much generic - nothing really jumps out at me and says "look out for more of what I write". while this is really solid, it is just that - good for what it is, but what it is isn't much. you have the strength and understanding of what it is and how to write poetry, but theres a little spark missing. let's get more of you in there, and less of the poetry handbook. but still, a solid read.
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
i like this little number on the whole you pay real attention to the essence of poetry, and its in general a sweet little ditty. yet for me what you have here is just that too much generic - nothing really jumps out at me and says "look out for more of what I write". while this is really solid, it is just that - good for what it is, but what it is isn't much. you have the strength and understanding of what it is and how to write poetry, but theres a little spark missing. let's get more of you in there, and less of the poetry handbook. but still, a solid read.

Thank you very much for the feedback.
There is still more I want to do with this piece, as it was a bit rushed, so I'll certainly keep your advice in mind.
Thanks again.

Did you have something you wanted a crit on?
#4
Nights spent, mind split, severed from everything.
Fog bled from dying breaths, waiting on a winter love.

like the visual of fog as a dying breathe. maybe add some heaviness to it. didnt feel it but the imagery is there leading up to waiting on winter love.

Frostbit finger tips.
Thoughts recede and time collects
in youth's waters and the tiny locket
close to you and warm.

nice stanza here. frostbit finger tips seems painful at first thus over time it becomes numb. maybe thoughts about a particular love is numbing over time. sensing warmth again seems like the goal.

A white washed backdrop, Blacked out lifeblood.
Heart beats cold, but still beats the same.

the thing i got out of this heart beat cold and the same. don't really understand the last stanza because it doesnt connect with the previous pieces. maybe add an element of winter, landscape, and atmosphere. have it tie together at the end. have tied together for a particular person your talking about.

overall i like the piece.
#5
Really, really nice. Best I've read today.
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#6
Thank you for reading, Jod23 and girlgerms007.
Did either of you have something that you wanted me to checkout?