Poll: What do you think? (a friend wants to date your ex or sister)
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View poll results: What do you think? (a friend wants to date your ex or sister)
I wouldn't care/mind either way
43 19%
I would expect My friend to talk to me about it and see if I'm ok with it
158 69%
I wouldn't accept it either way
27 12%
Voters: 228.
Page 1 of 3
#1
I was having a discussion with my friend about the following:

I believe that if a friend (especially a close friend) wants to go out/date/have a romantic relationship with your sister, or your ex, it is polite (or even socially necessary) that he ask you if you are okay with him dating your sister/ex.


He told me that this is my personal preference whereas I beieve that this is a real social code that most people would agree with. I don'T think it's a personal preference, I think it's just something you do like saying 'sorry, 'Please', 'thank you'.


What do you think?
#3
Social code is nothing more than a personal preference shared by the majority of the sciety anyway.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
Last edited by the bartender at Nov 24, 2011,
#4
I have permission from one of my friends to get with his sister. Best bit is I didn't even ask! That's a true friend.
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#5
I'd rather someone asked... I'd obviously 'let' them do it regardless of what I thought about it but it's nice to know that a friend actually gives enough of a shit about me to inform me about these things beforehand.
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#6
Quote by Emperor's Child
I have permission from one of my friends to get with his sister. I didn't even ask! That's a true friend.


I find it rather stupid that he apparently mentioned that without it even being relevant.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#7
Quote by Emperor's Child
I have permission from one of my friends to get with his sister. Best bit is I didn't even ask! That's a true friend.


Same, but I didn't really go through with it because I really don't want the friendship to be ruined by something like me breaking up with his sister or something... it would get weird.
#9
Quote by lt mittens
if i date a friends' sister i would see his face when we make out


Tell me, have you ever felt turned on by looking at your friend?
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#10
Quote by the bartender
Tell me, have you ever felt turned on by looking at your friend?



Do you get turned on when watching male actors with female actors in porno?
#11
I'd let him know, but it's not my obligation to do so as he doesn't own her, whether it's his sister of his ex. She's a person, and he doesn't have any say in who she sees. As for his ex, he had his chance, it's gone, move on. It's polite to tell him you're in a relationship with his sister, but permission? Please. This isn't middle school. In an adult world where adults make their own decisions, she doesn't need permission from her brother to date anyone, and I don't need to ask him if it's okay when it's not his choice.

Would I be pissed if my friend went out with my sister? No. I'm not her father, and as long as he treated her well, it's none of my business. As for an ex, who cares? I had my chance, it's gone, move on.
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Last edited by strat0blaster at Nov 24, 2011,
#12
Quote by Zeletros
Do you get turned on when watching male actors with female actors in porno?

I know I do. Don't you?
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#13
You'd ask to date a sister. Dating a mate's ex is just not on at all. It does of course depend on how close a friend they are, but if you are firm friends, it's just not acceptable. The only way around it is if your friend states that they don't care if a mate dates his ex, but it has to be of his own initiative. If you ask it just makes him look like a dick if he says no and you'll likely do it anyway. Hell, it's in the bro code, and according to said code dating a bro's ex is worse than killing a bro.
#14
I'd rather them tell me. I'm still kind of reeling from my last gf dumping me for my best friend that I introduced her to. And both of them stopped talking to me when they met.

**** her and **** him.
#15
I did it and it caused me to fall out with a couple of really good mates. Just gauge your own situation, if it's worth the grief then go for it. That's about dating a mates sister.

I've had my best mate date my ex without even asking me which pissed me off, but i got over it. What rights do I have to stop 2 people going out?
Last edited by Tanglewoodguit at Nov 24, 2011,
#18
As I have a sister myself I'd be quite glad to know the person who's with my sister. If that would be a friend I knew I could trust 100 % I'd just be happy as I'd knew he'd be good for my sister. The thought of him ****ing my sister would be kind of awkward though.
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#19
Quote by the bartender
Tell me, have you ever felt turned on by looking at your friend?


i meant i wouldn't date his sister because of that
#21
I'd bring it up with the friend if I fancied his sister or his ex, but it wouldn't be to ask for his permission. It'd be to gauge his response to the idea and allow me to make the decision as to whether it's worth going for.
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Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
#22
My sister did that. Very uncool if you ask me. I was pissed at both of them. Fell out with my friend big style over it. And my sister for that matter. Mainly the fact that they didn't even tell me was the thing that got me most. I can appreciate why some people say they shouldn't need to ask, however, I would like them too. Personal preference. But, none of them had the guts to tell me, I found out through my Mum.
#24
I would like to be told before anything happened and I would do the same.
Not so much to ask for permission or anything like that, thats a little naive and stupid- but I do think notification is a must.
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#25
Sister or ex, talking to your friend is necessary if you want to ensure that your friendship stays intact.
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#26
'I would expect My friend to talk to me about it and see if I'm ok with it'

Whyyyyyyyyyy have so many of you chosen this? Who gives a fuck?

I slept with a housemate's ex. No fucks were given.

Someone should explain this to me. I seriously don't get it.
Last edited by Craigo at Nov 24, 2011,
#27
Quote by Craigo
'I would expect My friend to talk to me about it and see if I'm ok with it'

Whyyyyyyyyyy have so many of you chosen this? Who gives a fuck?

I slept with a housemate's ex. No fucks were given.

because that's our opinion. Deal with it.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#29
Quote by Craigo
Why is it your opinion?

because there's usually some feelings involved with both sisters and ex's whether it's protective love or hatred.

The fact that your mate chose to come and see whether you were ok with the relationship suggests they value your relationship and want to take you into consideration when living their life.

If a mate has an irrational fear of the sea, you don't constantly organise beach parties without seeing if he's ok with it. You might know that your friend doesn't have irrational feelings, but others don't and the fact that a friend would check with you first is reassuring.
Rhythm in Jump. Dancing Close to You.

Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
#30
Quote by the bartender
I find it rather stupid that he apparently mentioned that without it even being relevant.

How would you know it wasn't relevant? Don't be such a judgmental douchebag just because you've never had a close friendship.
#31
Quote by Lemoninfluence
because there's usually some feelings involved with both sisters and ex's whether it's protective love or hatred.

The fact that your mate chose to come and see whether you were ok with the relationship suggests they value your relationship and want to take you into consideration when living their life.

If a mate has an irrational fear of the sea, you don't constantly organise beach parties without seeing if he's ok with it. You might know that your friend doesn't have irrational feelings, but others don't and the fact that a friend would check with you first is reassuring.

You shouldn't care in most cases about whatever feelings you have around your ex in relation to other men, including friends. So why do so many of you care?

The only reason why a friend would do that is because apparently so many people actually wish their friends to talk to you before going out with an ex, so I don't know how this helps me out in understanding.

I don't have any irrational fears of friends seeing exs and I don't know why anyone else would. This is why it's confusing to me.
#32
Quote by Lemoninfluence
because there's usually some feelings involved with both sisters and ex's whether it's protective love or hatred.

The fact that your mate chose to come and see whether you were ok with the relationship suggests they value your relationship and want to take you into consideration when living their life.

If a mate has an irrational fear of the sea, you don't constantly organise beach parties without seeing if he's ok with it. You might know that your friend doesn't have irrational feelings, but others don't and the fact that a friend would check with you first is reassuring.

No, because if he's not okay with it, what then? Ignore something that could be an amazing love because your buddy can't act like an adult and understand that everyone, including his sister and his best friend, who he should trust if he cares about them, have the right to openly love someone who makes them happy?

That's not showing a value of a relationship, it's showing a terrible co-dependency issue, and undermining your own value and worth as a person by basing your decisions, and worse, making a decision for a third party based on your decision for that other person all based on what someone else wants you to do because, simply put, it's easier emotionally for them.

Consider it this way -

If your friend wanted to date your sister, and he really liked/cared about her, would you want to deprive him, or your sister, of what could potentially be an amazing and fulfilling relationship because you were uneasy about it?

If I were ever that selfish, I'd hate myself, and frankly, I couldn't live with the thought of knowing I'd potentially ruined a great opportunity for my friend or family member to be happy.

Being blunt, it's none of my business who my sister dates as long as she's treated well and is happy. This all goes away should there be any sort of abuse, mind you.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
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#34
Blah blah don't need permission blah blah nobody owns anybody.


That all aside, I feel it's always better to make sure your friend won't want to fight you before you go through with things.
#35
Quote by Craigo
You shouldn't care in most cases about whatever feelings you have around your ex in relation to other men, including friends. So why do so many of you care?

The only reason why a friend would do that is because apparently so many people actually wish their friends to talk to you before going out with an ex, so I don't know how this helps me out in understanding.

I don't have any irrational fears of friends seeing exs and I don't know why anyone else would. This is why it's confusing to me.

see the mention of 'irrational'?

yeah we shouldn't have feelings in most cases but then there's the cases where we should and the cases where we do (irrationally). I mentioned irrational fears because that's an obvious, accepted example of an irrational feeling. I'm not saying you'd be afraid of seeing your ex, just that you might have irrational feelings regarding them e.g. intense hatred, unresolved feeling blah, blah...

It'd be nice if your close friend would at least speak to you about it.

also, did you really just say you didn't know why anyone would have an irrational feeling?

Quote by strat0blaster
No, because if he's not okay with it, what then? Ignore something that could be an amazing love because your buddy can't act like an adult and understand that everyone, including his sister and his best friend, who he should trust if he cares about them, have the right to openly love someone who makes them happy?

That's not showing a value of a relationship, it's showing a terrible co-dependency issue, and undermining your own value and worth as a person by basing your decisions, and worse, making a decision for a third party based on your decision for that other person all based on what someone else wants you to do because, simply put, it's easier emotionally for them.

Consider it this way -

If your friend wanted to date your sister, and he really liked/cared about her, would you want to deprive him, or your sister, of what could potentially be an amazing and fulfilling relationship because you were uneasy about it?

If I were ever that selfish, I'd hate myself, and frankly, I couldn't live with the thought of knowing I'd potentially ruined a great opportunity for my friend or family member to be happy.

Being blunt, it's none of my business who my sister dates as long as she's treated well and is happy. This all goes away should there be any sort of abuse, mind you.

then you make an informed judgement as to whether you value your friendship over a potentially great relationship.
Rhythm in Jump. Dancing Close to You.

Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
Last edited by Lemoninfluence at Nov 24, 2011,
#36
Quote by Lemoninfluence


then you make an informed judgement as to whether you value your friendship over a potentially great relationship.

Yeah, but that shouldn't factor in. At all. As long as I'm being good to his sister, it's none of his business who she's dating and not his place to try and strongarm either one of us out of it any more than it would be if it were someone dating his divorced mother.

You can't impose your will on someone else because you're uneasy with what they're doing unless it's causing some inherent harm. That's like saying "Dude, I totally value your friendship, and we've been bros for years, but when you drink chocolate milk and eat green beans, it really grosses me out, and it's affecting my sleeping patterns since you do it regularly, so I'm throwing down the ultimatum that if you don't stop doing those things, I'm going to have to separate myself from you."

I agree that you should let him know. It's courteous and frankly what a good friend would do, but beyond that, my friend would have absolutely zero say in whether or not the relationship existed. I'd respect his opinions, but they're not the governing force in my life because, well, I don't owe him an explanation any more than I like his sister, and care about her, and we've both agreed to date. Beyond that, he doesn't have to like it any more than I would, but it's not his place to decide, and saying "Dude, I can't be friends with you anymore because you're dating my sister" is stupid and childish.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
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#37
Quote by strat0blaster
Yeah, but that shouldn't factor in. At all. As long as I'm being good to his sister, it's none of his business who she's dating and not his place to try and strongarm either one of us out of it any more than it would be if it were someone dating his divorced mother.

You can't impose your will on someone else because you're uneasy with what they're doing unless it's causing some inherent harm. That's like saying "Dude, I totally value your friendship, and we've been bros for years, but when you drink chocolate milk and eat green beans, it really grosses me out, and it's affecting my sleeping patterns since you do it regularly, so I'm throwing down the ultimatum that if you don't stop doing those things, I'm going to have to separate myself from you."

I agree that you should let him know. It's courteous and frankly what a good friend would do, but beyond that, my friend would have absolutely zero say in whether or not the relationship existed. I'd respect his opinions, but they're not the governing force in my life because, well, I don't owe him an explanation any more than I like his sister, and care about her, and we've both agreed to date. Beyond that, he doesn't have to like it any more than I would, but it's not his place to decide.

we're not in disagreement at all then.

at no point did I say that you needed their permission to carry on with the relationship.
Rhythm in Jump. Dancing Close to You.

Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
#38
Quote by Lemoninfluence
see the mention of 'irrational'?

Yes.
yeah we shouldn't have feelings in most cases but then there's the cases where we should and the cases where we do (irrationally). I mentioned irrational fears because that's an obvious, accepted example of an irrational feeling. I'm not saying you'd be afraid of seeing your ex, just that you might have irrational feelings regarding them e.g. intense hatred, unresolved feeling blah, blah...

I don't know why anyone would want their friends to talk to them if they were going to go out with their ex, even if they had irrational fears. Nor do I understand them having those said irrational fears.

The very best answer I can honestly think of right now in a lot of cases is insincerity. What can your ex tell your friend?
It'd be nice if your close friend would at least speak to you about it.

No. I don't care. It'd be needless. (Had an experience before and I also told them so.)
also, did you really just say you didn't know why anyone would have an irrational feeling?

No.
Last edited by Craigo at Nov 24, 2011,
#39
Quote by Lemoninfluence
we're not in disagreement at all then.

at no point did I say that you needed their permission to carry on with the relationship.

This is making even less sense to me.
#40
Quote by Craigo
Yes.

I don't know why anyone would want their friends to talk to them if they were going to go out with their ex, even if they had irrational fears.


so that you could either make them aware of your irrational fears and hope they understand and take them into consideration, or to allow you to confront your irrational fears (that you might not even know you have) and work through them.

No. I don't care. It'd be needless. (Had an experience before and I also told them so.)

and obviously there's no other mindset than yours.

No.

I don't have any irrational fears of friends seeing exs and I don't know why anyone else would.

Rhythm in Jump. Dancing Close to You.

Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
Last edited by Lemoninfluence at Nov 24, 2011,
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