#1
This is my second song, supposed to be kind of and Against me! style. AND ITS ****ING AWESOME (I jest)
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Treading water in apathy

I got no one to, learn to skate with.
I got no one to, start a band with.
But I guess there’s somebody, to go to the club with.

It’s not my Idea of fun,
I’d rather be out there, getting something done.
But that’s just what I get for being,
An obscure and awkward little shit.


Because they’re singing along to JLS,
While I’m rocking out to Nofx.

They’re voting in on the X factor,
And I'm imitating Nitro Circus.

While they’re pumping weights down at the gym,
I’m just running around in circles.

I want to start a revolution,
Not sit back and wait for a solution.


Then again;
Maybe I’m just making excuses,
For my own apathy.
Maybe I’d still be bored and useless,
With a million others tagging along with me.

Still I’d like to think, I’d give it a go.
But a lone revolutionary,
Must be driven, strong and courageous to succeed.

And that’s,
Just not me,
Because I need;

Someone to help me hold this flame, up to the flag.
Someone to boost me up to tag, the top of the wall.
Someone to motivate and encourage me,
To get of my fat, lazy arse.

But as no one’s coming to me,
I’ll just be sitting here rotting in my own apathy.


Because they’re singing along to JLS,
While I’m rocking out to Nofx.

They’re voting in on the X factor,
And I'm imitating Nitro Circus.

While they’re pumping weights down at the gym,
I’m just running around in circles.

I want to start a revolution,
Not sit back and wait for a solution.


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So thats my second song, theres weak bits in it i need help with, I think the opening seems whiney, but Im not sure how to make saying that seem less whiney.

Also Im not sure if I ramble too much, I never seem to stay on one subject for too long.

Anyway iff you leave some feedback ill try do the same for you.

PAYECE
#2
I like the line about 'sitting here rotting in my own apathy'
I don't like the references to jls, nofx etc etc
A lot of words need to be culled, because it's a bit awkward.
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#3
Thanks, i think ill get to work on a new chorus, and the too many words is kind of the style I was going for if you get what I mean, an an AM!- white crosses kind of way
#4
No no no, keep the references to nofx etc. It's very good as it is, aside from maybe the whineyness yes at the first part.
#5
I dunno, I like what im trying to say with the Nofx bit, im just saying it really badly. And yeah the start is super whiney :P
#6
Had a go At fixing the first verse, Ill ge tonto the chorus at some point.


I know I'm not that different, to everyone else.
And Im Not gonna start to complain about,
How "nobody understands me"
and "these people that just dont get it"
but sometimes it would be nice,
for me to do what I Like
With somebody who doesnt think that ska-punks weird.

Because they’re singing along to JLS,
While I’m rocking out to Nofx.

They’re voting in on the X factor,
And I'm imitating Nitro Circus.

While they’re pumping weights down at the gym,
I’m just running around in circles.

I want to start a revolution,
Not sit back and wait for a solution.


Then again;
Maybe I’m just making excuses,
For my own apathy.
Maybe I’d still be bored and useless,
With a million others tagging along with me.

Still I’d like to think, I’d give it a go.
But a lone revolutionary,
Must be driven, strong and courageous to succeed.

And that’s,
Just not me,
Because I need;

Someone to help me hold this flame, up to the flag.
Someone to boost me up to tag, the top of the wall.
Someone to motivate and encourage me,
To get of my fat, lazy arse.

But as no one’s coming to me,
I’ll just be sitting here rotting in my own apathy.


Because they’re singing along to JLS,
While I’m rocking out to Nofx.

They’re voting in on the X factor,
And I'm imitating Nitro Circus.

While they’re pumping weights down at the gym,
I’m just running around in circles.

I want to start a revolution,
Not sit back and wait for a solution