#1
squish, squash, squabble, squibble
and a rankle of glut and thunder -
toes tucked under sandal bridges as
the sea climbs over, a ferocious limp wrist
clamping down on the coast.
ugly hovering syklights sprinkle delicately
on the charcoal grill horizon.
that's some nautical christmas postcard -
a tree sat skewed on seaweed rocks,
crabs nipping at the ankles of children,
stockings wet from the top to the toe
presents wrapped and bowed by bouys out
in the deep blue.
a crescent moon is hidden.
christmas songs play early on an ipod nano
buried in a sandcastle, one with a moat.
very little seems like december,
this could be be an australian christmas on the beach in a storm -
or a desperate attempt to reclaim a memory
on the south coast of England in summer;
or a loud, buzzing fly gets whipped by a swatter,
a purple-black mulge spots on the sill of a window
patterned by drizzle and finger smears.
this scene could be any, all, and the above. But to you?
squish, squabble, squibble, squash,
pish-posh, pish-posh, sentiment dies.
swept under the carpet,
cover my eyes.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Nov 26, 2011,
#2
this was very good. i love your images and sentence creation.

two things: one, the crescent moon line. it feels out of place. not that it doesn't belong, but that it should be shifted to an earlier spot. you were writing about the larger environment - the weather, the ocean, the horizon - then zeroed in on specifics like children and clothing, to suddenly step back and reintroduce something larger. existing somewhere with the charcoal lines would, in my opinion, be its best place.
two, the tense and terseness of the final line. i don't know how to explain why it doesn't sit well with me - i suppose i would get a sense of clarity if it read covering, or i cover, or you cover, or covered by, or something like that. perhaps that's just my own inability to understand it, though.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
this had tremendous flow and the poetics of it were very enjoyable to read. as you mentioned how my particular poem lacked a certain poetic flare, the words of this just rolled off the tongue. i was beginning to wonder where this was going, but it really came together at the end.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
Hey Jammy. I thought you painted some nice pictures, and in some places the flow was good but would be better with a little more considered punctuation. I like the "squish, squash" etc. which I assume is representative of seaside sounds. To me, "ipod nano" is very noticeably out of place and didn't fit in. While I know I'm not the most well-read person here and you probably know a lot more literary techniques than me, this piece could probably use a few more.

In short, nice to read you again but a small revision could go a long way.
#5
The ipod nano part completely threw me out of the mood, what are you advertising for apple or something?