#1
Tell me what you think.


The Pastor's Daughter and The Pervert Uncle


Most men seek relevance until their dying day. We measure it in contact lists and Christmas cards.
And it’s not so much that were obsolete as much as we are replaceable. All our memories and values are vastly interchangeable.

Sex is mostly a struggle for power. Beyond our carnal nature is the poison we’ve been fed since birth. Some wild goose chase for innocence to shelter.
But even those of purity, are indefinitely doomed to be tossed and turned to dirty rags of deviance.

Still I must admit; I’ve yet to rid my mind of the allure of a sweet eye’s twinkle. The look beyond the pale clear face of the pastor’s daughter; bowing her head before the congregation as she prays herself away to college.

Upon my vane pursuit of purity; I’ve found they are typically contact lens. Yet, I’ve noted the sex is better, since their spark was stolen prematurely from some pervert uncle.
Last edited by clichealias at Oct 14, 2016,
#2
Sounds like a bunch of different sentences put together. None of it sounds linear dude. Allow me to crit it honestly and say that I like the premise, but you need to develop the 'uncle' character a lot earlier and actually tell the idea of it as you progress. You're objectifying. I'd rather you subjectively bring the characters in. And then dig at their hesitance and agreement. And rhymes wouldn't hurt either, seeing how this is a song n' all.
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#4
I loved everything until the last two lines, they need some expanding. Also, give it some poetic structure dude. You don't even need to give a certain syllabic count, just random line breaks (or line breaks where you want a word to 'pop' out) would make me enjoy this more. The first lines were brilliant.