#1
I call the song The Loss.
This song is really honest and I wrote this when I was really down because a thing that happened this year. Im not emo or something like that, im a guy that lost someone i really loved and seeing the world around breaking around because of that.
It is still in its raw form and I haven`t changed anything yet. I dont think ill even perform it at a gig because I would probably break down.
What do you guys think?

The loss

Intro
A part of my childhood you took with you
A part of me you took with you
I could smell and hear you clear across the room
I’ve put my feelings into a bubble soon too burst (shoved it deep down)

Verse
You could give your warm love like no one could
Life lets you down, there’s nothing I can do now when you are through and and I cant get out of the void I’ve fallen into.
I won’t forget you until I self are through.
I didn’t even have the time to say goodbye. I thought you couldn’t die but I was dead wrong, it went so fast, even your hand I couldn’t grasp! I couldn’t even hug you.
I hope you hear me, I beg you..

Refr
Look into my eyes, what do you see?
You see emptiness and a sorrow me. Good or bad, it always goes bad.
Look into my eyes; please tell me what do you see?
You can see an empty shell collapsing inwards on me.
The good an the bad, there will never be any good again!
(never)
The silence is too loud, I’m going deaf, so please turn it down..

Verse
You were my second mom, now you left my second dad.
I have never in my mother****in life seen him so goddamn sad, I’m feeling so bad.
I keep it bottled up inside, on the outside I am crying and on the inside I’m dying! It hurts so badly.
Now I see you stress so bad! If you throw in the towel and pass away I will give up and walk away.
NOW YOU ARE DUST IN THE WIND, WHY DOES THE SUMMER HAS TO END THIS WAY AND SO FAST?
Refr
Look into my eyes, what do you see?
You see emptiness and a decaying me. Good or bad, it always goes bad.
Look into my eyes, please tell me what do you see?
You can see an empty shell collapsing inwards on me.
The good an the bad, there will never be any good again!
(never)
The silence is too loud, im going deaf, so please turn it down..

Verse
The reaper came too early dear, for so long I have had this funny feeling that turned into this fear.
Im still waiting for you to come around but now youre only dust under the tree on the ground.
From the hall I cant smell no smoke. From my sorrow I will soon choke
I can see a faint silhouette sitting there, a hug from you I will never ever more get.
I didn’t even say goodbye, it will haunt me.
I want to say goodbye, fly, kiss you and say hi!

Stick
Look into my eyes, what do you see?
You see emptiness and a mourning me. Good or bad, it always goes bad.
Look into my eyes, please tell me what do you see?
You can see an empty shell collapsing inwards on me.

Something
There are faces that I will never see
There are places in which I will never again be.
There are memories in my mind,
But when will remember unimportant little me when I will no more be?

Outro

All these years I have wished the same bloody thing, when you died I got deceived, my soul got torn and started to bleed!
#3
Quote by yoman297
Sorry to say, but it's really cliche. Some good lines around, but still being really cliche, like
the intro and the refrain. The outro doesn't really seem to fit with the mood in the rest of the song.

Not really much to say, but if you don't mind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1497213

Well, the song is still in its raw form and i havent really changed anything. THe outro maybe is a little unnecessary.
What can I change to make it better?
I pretty much vented what I thought at the time I wrote it
#4
I second yoman on the cliché use. Another very obvious and evitable flaw would be the mixed metaphors, bud. I mean, they can be used correctly, as long as they directly and very cohessively stick to the main point, but each mini-feeling in this song seems to be introduced with a (also pretty cliché comparison without further elaboration. I understand if you were venting or trying to express a potpourri of things, but I don't see how you could make a legitimately meaningful song as I take you would be mah man. You can start by cutting out things like the outro.

MOCOSO LIKE ME
Last edited by river.wild at Nov 29, 2011,
#5
Quote by river.wild
I second yoman on the cliché use. Another very obvious and evitable flaw would be the mixed metaphors, bud. I mean, they can be used correctly, as long as they directly and very cohessively stick to the main point, but each mini-feeling in this song seems to be introduced with a (also pretty cliché comparison without further elaboration. I understand if you were venting or trying to express a potpourri of things, but I don't see how you could make a legitimately meaningful song as I take you would be mah man. You can start by cutting out things like the outro.

Thanks man, Ill take every advice!