#1
So this is my first post and no criticism is to harsh for me so let me know exactly how you feel k thnx.

[Verse 1]
Turns out all you wanted
Was a night you could forget.
Your nothing short of my everything,
But a memory is all that's left.

[Verse 2]
You thought you were helping me,
But i know the difference between love and lust.
Now all you have to show for yourself
Is everything that you lost.

[Chorus]
And i'll keep everything you gave to me,
To help me know just how it came to
Be yourself is all i ever asked of you,
But i guess that's hard when you don't know
How every word you said meant nothing at all,
Like a broken record playing our song
Karma gives what karma gets,
So enjoy your life under the red lights.

[Breakdown]
Think about what you could have had,
Don't let petty words get to you
But its hard to keep your chin high
When your backs on the ground

[repeat chorus]
#2
I felt that it was overall predictable and ordinary. Nothing struck me as particularly interesting or well-written, but the whole thing holds itself together as a decent piece. I suggest working especially on metaphors because a lot of the problem with this piece was the obvious straightforwardness of it.
#3
I second that: also, since the chorus is generally the "catchy" part of the song, I don't think it follows music structure if it is wordier than the verses.

MOCOSO LIKE ME
#5
Thanks guys, i greatly appreciate it and i always feel like my lyrics are not really in depth, as far as the chorus thing goes, i have a song its written for so i guess its much catchier if you heard it with the song but i understand, and lastly; Spelling=my thing, Grammar=not my thing lol
#6
Yeah, everyone seems to have pointed out whats wrong with this, just boring and plain.

However if spelling is your thing how come you've spelt your username wrong?
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#8
So, I'm hearing a poppy rock song when I read this, which is a good thing to hear. People like poppy rock songs, which is why I write them, myself. Users like Winter Sky and Bag'd are here for the poetry workshop, so they like wordplay, but ordinary humans only like as much wordplay as Tom Petty and the Beatles tend to offer. You don't need to be Walter Jon Williams or even Bob Dylan to write a decent pop song.

That said, your structure is a bit off, as river.wild pointed out. You do, in fact, want the meat of your song to be in the chorus. The chorus should be the repeatable part that everyone wants to sing along with. I would suggest reordering your stanzas to make that happen, and I'll show you my suggestion in a second.

First, a bit about the poetry and vocal delivery. This bit
And i'll keep everything you gave to me,
To help me know just how it came to
Be yourself is all i ever asked of you,
was poetically groovy. I like the me/be rhyme, and the double use of the word "be" was a neat construction. I stopped and thought about it, which is about all you want people to do when you're singing a poppy rock song. Analysis takes them out of the moment, but you do want them to go, "Huh. Cool!" So that's good. However, to sell that, you probably want to put the "be" at the end of the first line, then hold it when you're singing, so that the connection to the word "yourself" is made at the same time as the connection to the preceding infinitive.

Back to the structure. What I would suggest is to use your chorus as the first and second verse and to use what you have now labeled as verse 2 as the chorus, use the breakdown as a third verse, and use what you have now labeled as verse 1 as a bridge/breakdown. I'd also repeat the second half of what you have now as the chorus to be the end of each verse, now that I read it out. Like this:
[Verse]
I'll keep everything you gave to me
To help me know just how it came to be
Yourself is all i ever asked of you
But i guess that's hard when you don't know

How every word you said meant nothing at all
Like a broken record playing our song
Karma gives what karma gets
So enjoy your life under the red lights

[CHORUS]
You thought you were helping me
But i know the difference between love and lust
Now all you have to show for yourself
Is everything that you lost

[Verse]
Think about what you could have had
Don't let petty words get to you
But its hard to keep your chin high
When your backs on the ground

Every word you said meant nothing at all
Like a broken record playing our song
Karma gives what karma gets
So enjoy your life under the red lights

[CHORUS]
You thought you were helping me
But i know the difference between love and lust
Now all you have to show for yourself
Is everything that you lost

[BRIDGE]
Turns out all you wanted
Was a night you could forget
You're nothing short of my everything
But a memory is all that's left

[Chorus]
You thought you were helping me
But i know the difference between love and lust
Now all you have to show for yourself
Is everything that you lost

Now all you have to show for yourself
Is everything that you lost
Something like that. Also, I have a personal bug up my butt about punctuation in a poetic structure, so I edited that stuff out. YMMV.

If you cast most of the song in B minor with the bridge in D major, that works for most vocal ranges, and it's a nice Neil Young/Bob Dylan-ish trick. Alternatively, Tom Petty would probably put most of it in D minor and then switch to F major or if he was feeling particularly frisky B minor or D major for the bridge. You could also have it in one of the major keys for the main song and switch to the minor for the bridge. I'm just feelin' it.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Last edited by Nilchii at Dec 3, 2011,
#9
Dude thank you o much you have no idea lol see this is what's called CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, so i really appreciate what you did and taking the time to do it man i really like how it sounds now