#1
Hello again

This is my second try at writing lyrics for a song. I tried my best to incorporate some of the suggestions / critiques from my previous project ( https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1496983 ), especifically the ones from anowilisgvyona (thanks a lot again )

---------------------------
Verse 1:
This moment seems vain
What if when this spark ends
Everything else remains the same?

Verse 2:
Why did nothing change?
I tried hard to love you
Why is happiness so strange?

Verse 3:
I wish the tears on your eye
Would bring some to mine
Even though I'm trying, my eyes are still dry

Verse 4:
My heart doesn't ache
I'm sorry for your feelings
I didn't mean to make them break

Pre-Chorus:
Am I heartless? x4

Chorus:
You were sweet and all
And this was good overall
I just felt nothing´
For you

Now you're crying for me
And I'll let you be
I'll get out of your life
For good

---------------------------

I haven't decide the order of the parts yet (as in, where does the chorus come in). I'm also not sure if i'll write a bridge, but i decided to post it to get some feedback

Thanks for reading, all constructive comments are welcome
Last edited by kavorkian- at Nov 30, 2011,
#2
Verse 1- With the ?'s it makes sense, but if you're singing, it almost always sounds declarative. Maybe "Will everything remain the same?"
Verse 4- Change to "I didn't mean to break them." Acheives rhyme with ache but works with feeling.
As for structure, if you really want that chorus there, it should be distributed through the song, not all at the end, imo. The whole song needs work with keeping it on one thought, though. You aren't allowing anything to develop and reach me, bud.

MOCOSO LIKE ME
Last edited by river.wild at Dec 3, 2011,