#1
CRIT4CRIT ISMISMISM

Slowly I start to see,
The poor will work for free.
The rich and patient get educated,
and we'll serve their needs.

When did it become wrong,
to keep on asking questions?
Today start a rebellion,
however pedestrian.

When did we become,
so spineless as a nation?
Stand up and begin
our homegrown invasion.

Scrub up and look good man,
we're all on facebook.
As long as we can like each other,
all else isn't worth a ****.

When did we become,
such dronelike teens?
Probably when the face of punk
sold products on out TV screens.


(there are verses to be added that need to be worded properly, but I'd like to know if this is something I should carry on or scrap)
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#2
I don't know how this is read/sung, but the fist stanza threw me with the length (syllables) in the lines. It's not bad, reminding me of the recent string of "Occupy" songs and poems
although I feel like it's going to be impossible for anyone to address this topic directly without sounding cliche and tired.

Scrub up and look good man,
we're all on facebook.
As long as we can like each other,
all else isn't worth a ****.

This made me smile though, I really did like that stanza :P such truth!
I've got a piece on the front page somewhere, if you want to read it, you don't have too though
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#4
I like it dude. It's not a happy piece but it works. I think some non-UK residents won't quite relate to this as they're not exposed to UK news, politics and events 24/7. Not that the themes are local to Britain.
#5
@Winter: I agree. I'm glad you remember too. But I'm just starting up again and for me, you set the standard (that might sound weird) but I compare myself to your writing style and whilst I don't try to emulate, I'll try to match it in terms of quality. So thanks man,

Gdog: Yes, this probably appeals more to the UK. Its good you know where I'm coming from though, because its the UK my band us beginning. Where are you from?


EDIT: I was teriribly drunk when writing them responses, so I'm sorrry guys. I can't be bothered taking the time to edit them, so I'll just take the time to let you know that I was drunk...
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
Last edited by Bag'ed at Dec 2, 2011,
#6
Two things. You have a comma after every initial line, and in no case are the commas necessary or grammatical. I'd suggest removing them; they serve no purpose except to annoy English teachers. You also don't technically need the comma after "rebellion," but it's not ungrammatical - only optional. Honestly, I'm a proponent of avoiding punctuation in poetry altogether, but some folks insist.

Also, your song needs a chorus. I'd suggest the final stanza, inserting it between the second and third stanzas, then repeating it again after every stanza. If you did this, you'd also probably want a bridge section, although it could easily be instrumental. Something like this:
Slowly I start to see
The poor will work for free.
The rich and patient get educated,
and we'll serve their needs.

When did it become wrong
to keep on asking questions?
Today start a rebellion,
however pedestrian.

(CHORUS) When did we become
such dronelike teens?
Probably when the face of punk
sold products on our TV screens.

Scrub up and look good man
we're all on facebook.
As long as we can like each other,
all else isn't worth a ****.

BRIDGE

CHORUS

When did we become
so spineless as a nation?
Stand up and begin
our homegrown invasion.

CHORUS


As I re-read my version, I'd also suggest flipping the third and fourth verse. I've made my edits in the quote above. There are also a handful of typos I've adjusted.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Last edited by Nilchii at Dec 2, 2011,
#7
Thanks for taking the time man but two things:

You say avoid using punctuation in poetry altogether, then go on to suggest using a chorus? From where I stand, songs and poems are different things. The commas in there aren't for artistic purposes, its just because I'm used to playing and singing it and I know where the pauses and such would be.

Also, you've suggested that I use a chorus in a previous song, Ceres. I'm not really keen on them though, and I don't think every band needs choruses.

But yeah, like I said, cheers dude.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#8
Choruses are designed for humans to sing along with; humans like singing along with catchy songs. Punctuation is designed as a tool to create meaning, so non-standard use confuses people who don't follow the same idiosyncratic usage.

But follow your bliss, little butterfly, and may your bliss bring you much success.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.