#1
Hey guys, i would love to hear what you guys think of this little thing i wrote. It's called Unspoken.


i'm trying to find a pen
to write a letter for you
i'd rather search for words
'cause i love you's won't do
anymore

i know this sounds cheezy
but just know i don't care
i wish i wasn't loney
i wished you were here

i know i made mistakes
and i'm far from perfect
but neither are you
but i know you're worth it

and after all we've been through
after all we got through
you're my imperfection
and to be perfect
i need you
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#2
I really like the last verse. Also id change the "wished you were here" line a little. It is inconsistant with your rhyme scheme
Are you some kind of hypnotist?
#3
"Wished you were here" line is pretty fine, actually, imo. Sounds fine.
In verse 2, though, "wished" changes the tense of the lyric. In verse 3, you put that you're 'far from perfect' and neither is she? She isn't far from perfect either? Fix that, bud. And on the last one, the first two lines mean the same thing.
Hey and if you plan on putting music to it, I feel as if the doo-wop progression would do good, for some reason.

-matt

MOCOSO LIKE ME
Last edited by river.wild at Dec 1, 2011,
#4
Hey guys thanks for your response.

@river.wild: i'm not completely sure hat you mean with "you put that you're 'far from perfect' and neither is she? She isn't far from perfect either?" I actually mean that she is not perfect but that I still think she worth it for me. does it still make sense or is it written in bad English?

i'm gonna look into the doo wop progression and see what i can come up with.

cheers
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#5
Hehe I'll explain: so you're saying that you are far from perfect. She is not perfect either. Those are the ideas. But you are saying that you are far from perfect, yes, but neither is she. In other words, you are making it look like she is NOT far from perfect. You wanna say that she IS far from perfect, just like you. Dig, bro?

MOCOSO LIKE ME
#6
The only thing I'd change is in the second-to-last stanza where you start two lines in a row with "but". Seems to me that the words would make more sense and be better connected if one or the other was an "and".
Death to Ovation haters!
#7
Really nice, this love song actually seems to have a bit of heart in
Please call me Rainer, was 16 and empty minded when I made my profile.

Sometimes I talk to myself too...but never on the internet.
#8
@ river wild: Ah thanks i'll change it into the proper way. The (n)ether always gets me confused for some reason.


@ Patchworkman: Thx i've been thinking about changing the second "but" but i'm not sure if it should be an and it dosn;t sound to great to me.

@joestrat5000: I didn't really write it with a someone in mind, atleast not consciously but it's great if it still gets that special feeling with it, thanks.



this is what it looks like now:


i'm trying to find a pen
to write a letter for you
i'd rather search for words
'cause i love you's won't do
anymore

i know this sounds cheezy
but just know i don't care
i wish i wasn't loney
i wished you were here

i know i made mistakes
and i'm far from perfect
but either are you
and i know you're worth it

and after all we've been through
after all we got through
you're my imperfection
and to be perfect
i need you
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
#9
I'm not perfect
Neither are you
So please change to this ^
Cause' now it's clogging my poo.


MOCOSO LIKE ME
#10
I like this.
Very simple, but elegant.
Could be polished up a little to make it flow well, but I don't know what melody you have for it.
#11
I really like this song! Very good. Sounds like the type of songs I write! Please comment on my song, The Way You Loved Me Before x