#1
curled up dry petal lip on the disco side wall -
a shakey-shake, a shakey-shake -
missed out disco stunt pick-up,
beat-a-boogie shimmy line wit-wink.
wet-work: sweat soldier flailing,
crass top-teeth overbite overpowering
and bludgeoning along intermittently
with a jabby leg and twisting buckling hips.
flower-face sits sidelined in discomfort -
ugly patriachal courting routine -
soft-boiled face sits snug under blooming hair,
taps her feet.

garden door opens, cool wind clings through
and bursts like potential.
#2
Gosh. I don't know what to say.
I like the re-occurring flower metaphor and the military thing ... perhaps polish that a bit more?
It gets more interesting the more I read it.
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#3
The language is wonderful, and I dig the glimpses of character that we get between the lines. I got the impression that you see these people vividly (this person? seemed like there were at least two distinct in a crowd sometimes, but it might only have been one), but as you can see from my parenthetical, my image of the particulars is dim, and I'd have liked it to be brighter.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.