#1
here's a fairly dark song which is quite narrative driven, which is the sort of thing I've never properly attempted before. hasn't got a proper title yet

all aboard the Tatterdemalion
the guilty sailor cried
we're bound for seas with bounty rich
to claim a living prize
hold fast my love a woman cried
running across the dock
with a heavy rain within her eye
and a flower patterned frock

turn back, she cried, turn back
come back from whence you came
turn back, turn back
don't leave me here again

but the ship had already turned its back
and headed out to sea
the skies were darkly gathering
a terrible thing to see
the quartermaster, raving drunk,
let out an awful cry
in a ragged voice like a battle drum
beating on the sky

turn back he said turn back
let's go back from whence we came
turn back, turn back
there's danger here my friends

they laughed at him, the drunk old fool
he was daft in the head
and they locked him in the storage room
and tied him to a bed
Then suddenly a face appeared and rose up from the waves
a ghostly knave with emerald teeth
that gazed into their eyes

turn back, it cried, turn back
go back from whence you came
turn back, turn back
don't wander here again

it spoke of storms and portents grave
and warned them of their fate
but they laughed it off and mocked it
and gestured to the waves
see there trickster, how calm they lie
and softly roll, with nary a frosty peak
to warn of any cold

and now the sailors lie
full fathom five
stubborn to the end
the storm caught them by surprise
Last edited by OKSauce at Dec 2, 2011,
#2
i love this. im at the point to where im jealous i didnt think of it first. the chorus isnt overdone like most ppl try to do and its very unique to me at least. well done sir
#3
thanks a lot, kind words. not sure about the name of the ship to be honest. it's all very minor and played with a slide by the way
#4
Really dig this. Sounds like something from the folk masters of the Sixties. The recurring chorus that remains recognizable but changes to suit the preceding verse is particularly good. Would LOVE to hear this played.

Definitely some of the best stuff I've ever seen on UG.
Death to Ovation haters!
#5
Really well done. Even though you said it's slide in a minor key, I couldn't help hearing Blind Blake. Possibly a sadist twist somewhere?



Lol I'd really like to hear it, OKsauce.

MOCOSO LIKE ME
#6
I hated the last line. I'd take it out and put in the chorus again at the end with "she" as the pronoun. I love the name of the ship, but it might be a mouthful in performance.

Also, if you're using the "back whence you came" construction, you want "to," not "from." Going back from whence you came means that you're currently in your home town, and you're going back to somewhere else that you've also previously been in your life. Going back to whence you came means that you're somewhere else now, and you're about to return to your home town, which I think is more the sense you want.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#7
Yes I'm going to change the name of the ship as it doesn't really fit with all the syllables. yes, you're right, 'to' is more fitting than 'from', I should really have noticed that...
it's still a work in progress, but thanks a lot for the positive feedback!
#9
Awsome, it gave a good story, and great imagery to go along with it.
Please call me Rainer, was 16 and empty minded when I made my profile.

Sometimes I talk to myself too...but never on the internet.