#1
She's split and smirked 'til
the moon went red and his poorness
stayed and watched the street spirit
play like a fever fast ficus.
The spirit moaned in his gut
and in his ears
but the closest one to him
left and laughed.
The lukewarm spirit
still goes and he still fabricates beauties
about himself and herself with the
deception of a parent.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Dec 4, 2011,
#2
This is lovely. "Deception of a parent" is beautiful. I don't like the line
and laughed. The lukewarm spirit
but I like the words just fine. I simply don't like the line-break structure you used. Also, now that I'm re-reading it, I don't like the double use of the word "still" in the fabricates beauties line. I'd probably replace "but he still" with "and." Also, I might replace "went" in the first line with "gone" and line-break "and in his ears." Finally, the word "till" means to turn soil over prior to the planting season, whereas the contraction of "until" is spelled "'til." So:
She's gone and smirked 'til
the moon went red and his poorness
stayed and watched the street spirit
play like a fever fast ficus.
The spirit moaned in his gut
and in his ears
but the closest one to him
left and laughed.
The lukewarm spirit
still goes and fabricates beauties
about himself and herself with the
deception of a parent.


peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Last edited by Nilchii at Dec 3, 2011,